5 Things That Annoy The Shit Out Of Me On Facebook

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“Lex Windows WISHES YOU WOULD STOP CALLING ME FFS”
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”

WHAT? YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU FANTASTIC DICKHEAD.

3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*
FUCK OFF

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)

HELLO, SLEEZE BAGS… CAN I HAVE A SECOND PLEASE?

Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS
Rule 3: Chicks that are STEAMING HOT in BIKINIS while MODELLING ON A BEACH, how can I put this, er, YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN LIONFUCK OF GETTING.

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

Scottography

Our friend’s little girl, Rose, watching Barney.

The moon tonight.

Playng with zoom

Giant Mexican Chicken Wantons With Guacasalsa Sauce

I didn’t do groceries on Sunday because I was being drunk and unreasonable. This means I have, once again, a whole lot of useless items in my fridge, freezer and pantry. Time to make something awesome while the women aren’t home, here’s what I found:

truss tomatoes, carrot, wonton wrappers, chicken breasts, cous cous, mushrooms, tobasco sauce, four bean mix, sweet corn, nandos “perinaise”, garlic, cracker barrel cheese, jarlsberg cheese, avocado, challot

This can mean only one thing: GIANT MEXICAN CHICKEN WONTONS WITH GUACASALSA SAUCE

Step one is to make something I made up just now: Guacasalsa. Yep, it’s not guacamoli and it’s not salsa. It’s guacasalsa.

Guacasalsa: challot, avocado, cumin, corriander, lime juice, tomato, tobasco sauce, salt, garlic…

SMASH

Next I make some stuffing, make two pockets in the chicken breast, then wrap in in tinfoil and bake it.

Stuffing: tomatoes, grated carrot, garlic, cheeses, lime juice, tobasco, perinaise, salt, pepper, mushrooms, olive oil…

SQUISH

Once the breasts are baked, I let them rest and make a big wrapper out of the little wonton wrappers, then lightly fry them in some oil so they have crispy jackets on:

SIZZLE

Then whack down a strip of cous cous, bean, corn and carrots, sit chicken on top, slop in some sauce

Wa-la

GIANT MEXICAN CHICKEN WONTONS WITH GUACASALSA SAUCE

NOM

Scottography

Few from the weekend.