10 Things I Hate About Quitting Smoking

Posted: September 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

1. It’s an alternative to bashing someone.
When things piss you off to a level that knife-claws start growing out of your hands and you start talking in a language that uses only the letters M, F and N which sounds like “mmmfffn fn mmmMMM fnFFFFn MMMfn” then USUALLY a ciggy will reduce the fever to a level that allows the person who pissed you off to escape, unscathed. However when you’re giving up smoking, this potential 10-metre kill-zone becomes a 5km epicentre with you and your steaming cow-pat mood standing at ground zero. Fuck everyone, fuck everything, fuck that, fuck you, fucking RAAAAAAHHHHHH. Sure, many people die from smoking every year but has anyone ever tallied up the resultant deaths of people who got in the way of someone quitting? I bet it’s like infinity or something.

2. There’s only one thing worse than being a smoker.
That’s being a non-smoker. Bunch of self-righteous, whiney, lung capacity having muthafuckers. There’s nothing more annoying than sitting with non-smokers while the smokers go outside the restaurant to have a smoke. You non-smokers have NO idea what we talk about out there but HhhhHHOho HO BOY it’s good. I can’t tell you though because it’s secret. That’s the way us smokers stick together. Blood in, cancer out.

3. Exercise Is Shit Boring
When you quit smoking, you have to exercise. It seems like you gotta choose one or the other. Why can’t I just be a lazy nose-breather? People who exercise are the most shit boring people on the planet and I don’t want to become one. How many health nuts do you know use it as a personality enhancement on Facebook and bore us shitless every day with posts like “Great Workout! 10km Run! Man I’m Gonna Hurt Tomorrow!”

Who cares! Don’t fucking do it then if it hurts! Why do you substitute exclamation points for full stops! Do you have an electrical cable inserted up your arse!

4. There’s nothing to do after sex.
What the hell am I supposed to do after sex? Have a conversation? Girls don’t even know about football or cars so what the fuck am I going to say? Nice root? Cheers big ears? Where’s my fucking smokes.

I stand corrected, as a friend of a friend, Rich points out: Post-sex Sammich. This quitting shit could be OK, must stock up on bacon.

5. Smoking alternatives are worse than smoking.
Have you ever seen those dickwads standing around holding a little white bit of plastic with nicotine in them pretending they’re smoking still? YOU’RE NOT REALLY SMOKING. PRETENDING WAS SOMETHING YOU DID IN YEAR THREE. STOP BEING A DOUCHE BAG AND MAN-UP AND ADMIT YOU DON’T SMOKE. WHAT ARE YOU A ROBOT? IS THAT WHAT THAT IS? A ROBOT CIGARETTE? AN ASTRO FAG? THAT IT? FAGGOT. FUCK OFF AND BURN.

6. Your mood and style of writing during a blogging session is somewhat ebullient.

7. Tough guys don’t look cool without a ciggy.
Can you imagine Bruce Willis mumbling his lines during a scene without smoke billowing from his nostrils? Besides when he plays the non-edgy All-American cop saving his daughter from Muslims, I mean the gritty, dishevilled, living in his beat-up car ex-cop Bruce Willis that has been contracted to stop Mafia selling a shipment of cocaine to black people so he can save his marriage and get his old job back Bruce Willis. What the fuck am I talking about?

8. Air doesn’t come in Light, Mild, Rich or Menthol.
I’m not quite sure why it would or why I would want it to but the point is it doesn’t, smokes do. GET SOME FLAVOURS, AIR. EVERYONE ELSE DOES, KEEP UP.

9. I can’t be fucked with 9.
Or 10 either. I’m too busy looking at the plastic nicotine inhaler I have and wanting to throw it at someone’s eye.

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Comments
  1. Dylan says:

    your writing is blissful relative comedy, dude…shit i love it. keep it up, 😀

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