5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Hate Justin Bieber

Admittedly I’ve not heard any of his songs so he may very well have lyrics such as “Hey you, yeah the dude with the hair; We got one thing in common, both gave your mom a 3rd degree tear” or something that would make me want to kill him. But if he doesn’t, why so much hate?

I personally can’t understand the pure unadulterated hate the poor kid receives. I mean, he looks like most teenagers which is enough to hate him right there, but I would have thought we’re above that by now. He certainly whinges less than your average teen, and I’ve never found him blocking my way while assaulting my nostrils with unwashed juvenile waft in front of the city McDonalds before, either.

So I’m going to hazard a guess why so many people hate the poor kid.

1. Water Bottles & Eggs Don’t Phase Him
Let’s be honest, he looks like he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. I mean, I would be more scared of a grumpy private school girl wielding a tennis racquet. But the dude is almost bullet proof. Almost all of the news stories I see of him are “Someone threw *insert missile* at Justin Bieber’s head at a concert.” I mean, why would you pay to go and see him and then… OK fair enough but do you realise how many pubescent women are surrounding you? That’s like walking into a tribe of pregnant women and yelling “I hate babies”. You will be DESTROYED.

Also, to the dickhead in Sydney who broke into, and threw eggs at the Justin Bieber concert:
a) You missed, bitch.
b) You will never see a National News story on anyone throwing anything at you. I know who I would rather be.
c) I guarantee there was lots of things thrown at him that day, and only yours were eggs. At least, only yours were chicken eggs.

2. He Gets More Pussy Than You
Yep. And you know it. He doesn’t even know what to do with it yet, forget that, the pussy getting thrown doesn’t even know why it’s being thrown yet. He’s that good. When you got your first pussy, I bet it was the culmination of years worth of research and hard work. Not Bieber, that shit’s home delivered. Straight ballin’.

3. He Has More Billboard Top Ten Songs Than You
Now Billboard Charts is where you know you’ve made it. It’s when you know you’re selling millions and more importantly, making millions. The Billboard patronage is made up of grown men in Singapore, middle-american families and teenage girls throughout the world. Where I’m from in Perth, the  market is sustained by 18 – 28 year old men who hang out at Subiaco nightclubs, play AFL and sport whatever haircut teenage Japanese kids did two years prior.

But my point is, although these people are the concentration of the most annoying bipedal glitter fluff on the planet, they are the majority of the ones who spend money on these flakey, easily digestible ditties that keep Sunrise, 7PM Project and Sports Tonight with Cut-To-Ad music, and Justin Bieber with a luxury car collection he can’t even drive yet.

4. He Keeps Dickheads Out Of Good Nightclubs
If it wasn’t for Justin Bieber music, club nights playing Drum & Bass, Dubstep, Tech, Breaks and pretty much any other music that isn’t gay as fuck would be full of people wearing popped collar pink shirts with a “team number” on the sleeve, peacock faux-hawks and orange girlfriends. Thanks fuck for Bieber, Melbourne and Subiaco.

5. He Has Ticked More Scarface Boxes Than You
“You gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” The little dude has ticked all three, and he head butts water bottles. You can’t fuck with that shit.