Posts Tagged ‘beer’

After a good 2 hours of telling people to fuck off it was time to re-group and find as much free booze as we could. Jules, being a man of keen wit, had found a stash fit for a king, and not just any old king, I mean King of Boozeland. Now, where to go with all this stuff? “Hearson’s Cove, bro” said Zak, “you coming or what?”

“Fuck yeah” I said “What is it?”

“It’s just a sik little place we’re going to drink piss and watch the sunrise, it’s awesome aye”

“Fuck yeah” I said “Jules, we’re going to…” I look at Zak

“Hearsons Cove, bro”

“We’re going to Awesome Cove, Jules, let’s go”

BAM, into 2 Fourbies we climb, Jules ended up in the back-back fold-down seats in the back of Zak’s truck, upside down. “You alright bruv?” I said, “Yeah, this is quite comfy actually” he says. Sik cunt. I yell to the rest of the car “So tell me more about this whatsa-thing cove”

Rest of the car “Hearsons Cove”

Me “Yeah, Awesome Cove, why there?”

Rest of the car “Just wait til we get there, you’ll see”

We arrive in pitch darkness to this little spot and Jules and I struggle out of the back of the back-back seats. “Where are we?” says Jules, I have some stupid big grin on my face and look at him “Awesome Cove, bruv”. We grab the most important things first, beer, then go looking for firewood. Zak gets the stezza cranking with some tunes and everyone grabs a good bit of sand to park on and the chilling begins. Somewhere, somehow, and at some time, we got a fire started with about 6 tons of twigs. Langerz was onto it and in no time it was a raging tower of awesome only the way a sik cunt can create. Then it was walky time.

The tide at Awesome Cove HEARSONS sorry Hearsons Cove goes out a good half a K atleast, it’s rippled shallows all the way out to the edge of the sea and just as we reached it, there it was. The sun started rising. There’s a poem a few posts down from this one that describes it so I’m not gonna fucking repeat myself just because you’re too lazy to use the mouse and scroll button. DO IT NOW.

Right, so you got the sunrise thing going on, after that the tide started coming in and we all headed back to Sik Cunt Campsite where the fire had gone out and Jules had been trying to revive it with what he called “a log”. It was a fucking tree. Not a log. A tree. There was gonna be no more fire, that tree was already pissed off from being snapped the fuck out of its perfect little possy and shoved onto the remains of Langer’z firestorm. But the sun was up now, so who gave a shit? No one.

Some jerk started fanging his truck down the beach a bit and was messing up our chill for a while, when suddenly something fell out of it. BAM the lads are in the Jeep to investigate. When they get back they tell us it was an esky. “Did it have anything in it?” “Not anymore”. Sik cunts.

The rest of the arvo was spent swimming, slapping Jules on the stomach with thongs and getting barnacles stuck in our feet. I had a flight to catch by 1pm so we packed up and left, this time I was upside down in the back seat.

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Langerz and Zak... sik cunts

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Anja, Zak, AP and Langerz with a mouth full of children (or possibly red licorice)

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AP, Jules and me

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I said IS THERE SOMEFING IN MY FUCKEN TEEF

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Scotty, AP

I sit here writing to you waiting for my girl to get ready to go to the Rosemount. I’m sure I speak for all men when I say I am interested in what takes so long to do this. I mean, here is my ritual. I arrive home and tear off my work clothes and throw them onto the floordrobe, then reach over to my non-work shoes, put them on, grab my non-work shirt and slip it on and walk out to the fridge and open a beer. Put beer down, walk back into room, put on pants, return to beer. I’m now ready.

My girl however begins the ritual with the preamble “I’m going to have a quick shower”. This means action stations and that I have atleast 20 minutes of hassle-free tobacco time to myself. During this time in the bathroom it’s like the opening scene of American Psycho, with 70 extra steps, and all of these products have avocado in some form in the active ingredients. They are guaranteed to make any taught, silky smooth, curved, lean, shiny haired woman look taught, silky smooth, curved, lean and with shiny hair.

After this, it’s to the bedroom for yet another pharmacy load of growers-produce infused creams, followed by what resembles a machine with hundreds of tiny tweezers gnashing at her legs. Except it’s not, it’s, well actually, it is a machine with hundreds of tiny tweezers gnashing at her legs. This makes her silky smooth taught legs silkier and smoother.

Now for the fun part, the wardrobe. This is like a men’s floordrobe except it is upright with little “hangers” holding each piece up in a neat line of never been worn dresses that each have a specific purpose in mind when they were first purchased for example, one might be if they were to happen to find a pair of matching yellow shoes and would be invited to a girl named Sally’s engagement on a Tuesday in Spring during a downturn in the Iranian Stock Exchange.

Once the specific outfit is discovered, it’s put on 7 different ways until a suitable configuration is found then it’s make-up time. For me this isn’t too painful as my girl wears little if any, but I have experienced some in the past that have a trowel, a heat gun and three Sherpas on hand during a 3 hour session, then come out looking like Joan Collins after a food fight.Anyway, she’s ready now.