Five Things To Think About Before Criticising Music

Posted: November 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

1. Realise You Don’t Own The Artist

So you are shitty they have changed their sound? That’s because they’re artists. If you were in charge of music, none of it would have changed for 1000 years and some fat cunt would be playing a bouzouki to a bearded woman smacking a log with a sloth femur while faggots like you reached for the lasers in some cave and bitched about how much better it was back when Ug and Bogo used to play there. So fuck off, an artist can do whatever the fuck they want with their music. It’s for their expression, not your personal minstrels.

2. Try Making Music That Sells Records.

Before you EVER criticize a musical artist, try writing and producing a song that enough people like to make it viable for a record label, and distributor, to sell. Then have it actually sell. Have someone actually pay for a song you wrote and produced. Actually make the decision that your music is worth the money they earned sitting at an office desk all week listening to some knob-end boss ask them if they submitted their TPS report.

The talent, effort, patience, sheer guts, talent, persistence, talent, heartache, talent and talent that it takes to do this is beyond words to describe, so fuck off with your “this song is shit”. Write one yourself, you green skinned talentless bag of shit dreams.

3. Your Taste In Music Isn’t Everyone’s Taste In Music

Infact, it’s most probably really, really shithouse. Did you ever stop and think that the band you listen to hasn’t gone commercial because they love struggling to afford another guitar pick after buying a cheeseburger? It’s because the music they make is only liked by you and three other people. Who are deaf. Do you think that’s because you have really cool eclectic taste and the 6 billion rest of us don’t?

The reason millions of people love Skrillex, Justin Bieber, Madonna, Pendulum and whoever else the fuck your slut of a 16 year old sister likes is, wait for it… because they’re fucking good at what they do. They create amazing sounds that no-one has heard before. They push right to the limits of their genre, then fuck it right up the arse until it falls off the cliff of banality until it blows the mind of millions of people who buy their music and they make enough money to buy a $20,000 Macintosh so they can make better music and read your shit comments about it from your shitty little gaming computer with “Leeeeeroy Jenkins” wallpaper.

Your band is shit, they are dying from malnutrition and they don’t have a “sound”, they have instruments that are all broken because they found them in a skip bin. And they’re deaf.

4. Who Made You The Boss Of Your Genre?

Did the rest of us, who sell records to people who like it, miss a memo or something? Did you become the CEO of Subgenre X while we were busy making shit music that everyone else but you likes? What qualifications do you have? You read an article on Wikipedia and then aquired a PHD when you discussed the nuances of Rob Swire’s manipulation of a VSTi plug-in that you couldn’t get much more than a sound somewhere between a cat being choked by a kazoo and a reverbed owl drunk on metholayted spirits? Fuck off you did, you’re just a fat dude behind a computer keyboard, which is the only keyboard you can use, wearing a Jason Donavan t-shirt to be “crucial, ironic and edgy”.in your perceived musical intelligence. Get a diet and some clearasil, fat cunt.

5. Die, From Ear Cancer

This will clear up a few things, like you for instance. Also let musical artists get on with doing what they do, like stuff you can’t, wont and never will do. Sucked in.

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Comments
  1. odes says:

    fucking love it cunt, ur a fuckin champ!! haha, you tell cunts how it is 😛

  2. “crucial and edgey”

    hah

  3. gem says:

    Fuck.Yes.
    Opinions are like clits – every cunt has one.

  4. requiredname@yahoo.com says:

    An Interesting article 🙂 one thing I get sick tired of seeing, is people who are obsessed with counterpoint trying to point out to other people what the ‘correct way’ of doing something is. They usualy say something like, “One should not do ‘x’ when composing music of this genre” or “Shouldn’t that be an ‘F’ instead of a ‘G’ in measure 49”. “You should not play notes in unison for 1 second at measaure 12, you should either use a 6th or 3rd”. Well, perhaps they don’t want to… ever thought about that?

    And lets not forget about the ‘prohibition’ on parallel 5th’s thats associated with writing counterpoint (and goes back to the 1300’s). If you break these rules and use parallel 5th’s, someone will point them out to you almost as if they had caught you robbing a bank – You naughty boy! Smacky Handy!!

    The great composers that formulated these kinds of rules may have been smarter than you or I… but neither you or I are obligated to follow their rules. Some people not only think that their opinons and ideas are rules, they think they are laws… and they insist that you must ”do it their way” or ”you damn well don’t do it at matey!”

    Sorry, but thats just not for me (erects middle finger) After all, whats the point of getting overly technical about music when the only rule you really need is this…

    “If it sounds good, then it is good. If it doesn’t sound good, change it so that it does”.

    I rest my case.

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