Posts Tagged ‘sex’

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“Lex Windows WISHES YOU WOULD STOP CALLING ME FFS”
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”

WHAT? YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU FANTASTIC DICKHEAD.

3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*
FUCK OFF

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)

HELLO, SLEEZE BAGS… CAN I HAVE A SECOND PLEASE?

Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS
Rule 3: Chicks that are STEAMING HOT in BIKINIS while MODELLING ON A BEACH, how can I put this, er, YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN LIONFUCK OF GETTING.

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

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Facebook, love it or hate it, has become one of the most powerful social networking devices of our time. You don’t need to remember your friend’s birthdays, you just watch out for all the Hapie Birfdai wall posts and follow the flock (pretending you knew all along). Hi Mum xxx. You can catch up with the goss on people, find out where mates are, stalk your ex, even connect with your REAL friends.

But here’s a few things that make you look like a prime cut of fuckwit steak, so try to not do the following things on Facebook:

1. Start tribute fanpages for dead people.
Yeah this first one isn’t funny, why would you start a tribute fanpage on Facebook for a young person that has died in tragic circumstances? That’s like having their funeral at a nightclub full of drunks. What the hell were you expecting? The internet to stop what it’s doing and feel sorry for you?

The internet is not a reflection of the face people put on in the real world, it is the reflection of the rawness of the personality usually filtered by the part of the brain that avoids you getting punched in the face in a face to face situation. Perceived anonymity not only makes people braver than normal, it exposes how fucked up humans really can be. Don’t put anything that deserves complete and utter respect and reverence on Facebook and expect it to be. It simply will not.

2. Be a racist kitten squeezer.
If you have more than 3 friends on Facebook and join those “Fuck off we’re full” groups, chances are your 3+ friends aren’t all as stupidly narrow minded and downright socially retarded as you are. There’s even more chance that atleast one of them comes from a background different to yours. Even more chance that you regularly eat the food of the people you are being racist towards and are nice to their faces.

Come on, we’re all adults here, how many people with Southern Cross tattoos and FOWF stickers on their Holden Ute eat meat pies, dim sims, pizza, tacos and kebabs? I’ll tell you, every single one of them. Also, racist jerks, whoever you are complaining about taking “our jobs” does a job you wouldn’t do anyway, or are not qualified to do. So shut the fuck up.

3. Over-share your life with status updates.
You know the ones, “Fred Johnson IS SICK OF THIS SHIT, FUCK YOU JENNY, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAD ANAL SEX WITH GEORGE. I LOVED YOU, I EVEN DID THAT THING YOU LIKE WHERE I WEAR THE CLOWN NOSE ON MY PENIS”.

Yeah, don’t.

4. Woe is me status.
No one gives a shit about your ailments. You sound like a wet rag that can’t handle life. “So Andso is sick of this sprained ankle”, “Bitch Tits is not feeling good, time to up the dosage”, “Whinge fucken whinge”, shut up. What are you looking for? Sympathybook? An iBandage? An eHug? Fucking sooks.

5. Farm animals.
There’s already enough horse shit on Facebook. Agriculture and computer technology don’t mix. YOU CAN’T FEED SHEEP INTERNETS, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS VITAMIN TCP/IP ENRICHED CHICKEN FEED. YOU HAVE TO USE REAL HAY AND THERE’S NO WHERE TO PUT IT HERE. So stop trying to farm animals on Facebook, it’s cruel and probably illegal to turn animals into zeros and ones then make them live in Facebook.

6. Invite people to anything important.
If you send me an invite to your wedding on Facebook, I hope a rabid dog bites you on the balls. Fuck you.

7. Spam people not in your group.
Groups are for people who are interested in something you want to plug. Nightclub parties, whatever. So start a group up, watch the people who are interested roll in, and send them messages about upcoming events. Don’t send me personal messages about some boring event with DJ Blah playing deep funky sexy house step. I fucking hate your music and techno music isn’t sexy.

8. Become a fan of sex.
You’re not special. The human race is upwards of 6 billion because of sex, not because of a Facebook slut page. Of course you like sex, we’re designed to. Stop being a floozy.

9. Announce “inside” Facebook information.
Facebook has a blog for this, we don’t need your “expert opinion”. Stop joining “I WILL NOT PAY TO USE FACEBOOK. I NEED 1 MILLION PEOPLE TO JOIN ME” groups. Facebook subsides with joint partnerships and advertising schedules that generate millions of dollars. They don’t need your fucking money, idiot. Use your brain for just a tiny bit for god’s sake before clicking on things. Why are you being stupid? Stop it.

10. Continually post photos of how sexy you are.
Because you’re not.

I seem to get a few hits from this porn-type stuff, searches for tags I put on like fuck, sex, manatees and so on. Even my travel blog gets the occasional “Thai girls” search engine hits. So, being close to Xmas and all, I thought I better give something to these poor fat slobby sleazy fucks that are sitting there with four cans of coke poured into a vase, three meat lover’s pizzas, potato chip crumbs in their lap, sitting at the PC in a darkened room searching for “fucking” on WordPress. Here ya go ya fat fucks:

Fuck, lick, slap, suck, kiss, bite, push, hard, soft, sherpas in sheep costumes, fanny, doodle, NURSE (that bit isn’t part of it, that was just me typing out loud in my cell, it’s happy tablet time), where was I? Oh yeah, slide, poke, sweat, dick, lick, slappy mc slap, pull hair, rubber gimp mask, rubber chickens I dunno, what are you people into?

Work with me here. No pun intended.

OK, I’ll give it a bash. There’s this chick, right? She has these boobs and shit, so you’re like, sqeezing that shit, right? And she’s all like “ooohh yeah daddy, give it to me hard” in a stupid fake voice and then does one of those Beverly Hills 90210 girly giggles. You’re like “Hell yeah, bitch” and start going crazy, tearing her clothes off left and right, I mean that shit is flying everywhere. It’s all lacy shit too, HOW FUCKING HOT IS THAT? LACY SHIT! and then you pull out your 27 inch mega-wang and dust off the Oreo crumbs from your stomach and say “OK this is Captain Penetrator calling Naval Base, preparing to dock” and she just goes apeshit, OM NOM NOM NOM. BAM, you’ve slapped her in the face and say “Bad doggy” and she wimpers then cries, then plays a gnarly air guitar, fuck this bitch is mad hot.

So then you’re getting down to business, and you have one leg on her cheek, one leg on the couch (I forgot, there’s a couch, OK?) she has one foot in your ear, and the other on the curtain rail near the window. It’s the maddest sex position in the world, and you just invented it because that’s how fucked up you are, in a fully awesome way. Then after that bit, you’re like “Can we go missionary?” and she’s like “Hell yeah bro, I’m catholic, I LOVE that shit!” BAM, you’re going hard mish style. It’s SO lame that it’s cool. You’re hell cool at fucking. Now you’re like “Yo, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna… o… oh… ooHH… OOOOHHH” and she’s like “Oh YEAH I’m so HORNY” and you’re still doing your “O” face and AAAARRRGGGHH your mum walks in and turns the light on and it’s actually your aunty.

Suck shit you stinky perverts, fuck off somewhere else.

WTF?

Here are the tag stats for today and yesterday, who the hell looks for porn and sex on WordPress? I find this hilarious as they are the only tags that really get results. My other site, http://indianajerk.com which I blog my overseas adventure travels on, uses highly focussed, high traffic SEO tags which do get me quite good results. Things such as “Killing Fields”, “Angkor Temples”, “Thailand Hotels” etc, these work well and get better with the age of the website (Google crawlers take the site’s age into account). But amazingly, AntiNerd has achieved over 80 hits per day consistently during weekdays and is less than two months old.

I attribute this to a few things. First the blog itself is like a cross between Seinfeld and Big Brother. It incorporates feelings, experiences, real human insights, comedy, emotion and has absolutely fuck-all themes. It’s about nothing more than whatever the hell I feel like writing about for the day. Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down, but it’s all real, all raw, and people like to see themselves in others. People can relate to some of my ups or downs, it’s good to see others feel or experience what you do.

Secondly I attribute Facebook and Tags. I don’t take tags seriously on AntiNerd, I put anything really but notice some terms pull traffic (pun intended). Facebook links help lots, when I update, I link it on Facebook and the majority of my traffic is attributed to it being linked by myself and other people on their profiles. Nice work Facebook.

Third on the traffic tip is ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends (not mine you idiots, although it’s OK to be gay, fight the power, ruby slippers and all that), and other obsessed people desperately trying to find some hidden meaning about them nestled within my posts. They tend to forget I have an upgraded premium hosted account where the statistics and traffic information is quite extensive. One person in particular visits at least once a day to either click “I hate you” on my poll, or scan for any details that may support the ultimate controversy they have concocted in their brain. This is my blog, it’s about me you fucking idiots, not you. Stop reading so much into it, go and buy Greame Base’s book The Eleventh Hour if you are that desperate to discover a secret mystery. By the way, it was 111 mice that ate all the food. Poor Horace the Elephant.

So, stats, checkout the tags: 

Today

Referrer Views
en.wordpress.com/tag/fuck 4
en.wordpress.com/tag/free-porn 3
Facebook Profile 1
en.wordpress.com/tag/porn 1

Yesterday

Referrer Views
Friend’s Blog  15
My Facebook Profile 7
WordPress Dashboard 5
Facebook 5
Facebook 4
en.wordpress.com/tag/fuck 3
Friend’s WordPress 2
Friend’s Facebook Profile 1
Facebook Link 1
Facebook Link 1
en.wordpress.com/tag/fucking 1
Friend’s Facebook Profile 1

And my favourite for yesterday and today:

Search Views
speedos 1

I started this blog less than 2 months ago and by the time I get home it will be over 1000 hits.

1000 Hits – 12:20pm

1. Happy 1000 Hit Birthday AntiNerd

2. Google and SEO doesn’t mean shit in terms of personal blogs. Professional websites, etc I can tell you first hand SEO works, and very well. But personal blogs? Get fucked. The only hits I get from Tags are “fuck” and “sex” etc.

3. People read blogs like they watch Big Brother, because humans and the human condition are interesting. Some can express it well, some can’t.

4. If your blog looks like an Ad, it’s boring. There’s ads all over the internet. Get a personality and then start blogging.

5. Be interesting, write well, and keep it raw, that’s what a blog is for.

Peace,

xxx

Scott Assassin