Posts Tagged ‘grilfriends’

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“Lex Windows WISHES YOU WOULD STOP CALLING ME FFS”
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”

WHAT? YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU FANTASTIC DICKHEAD.

3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*
FUCK OFF

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)

HELLO, SLEEZE BAGS… CAN I HAVE A SECOND PLEASE?

Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS
Rule 3: Chicks that are STEAMING HOT in BIKINIS while MODELLING ON A BEACH, how can I put this, er, YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN LIONFUCK OF GETTING.

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

Advertisements

I sit here writing to you waiting for my girl to get ready to go to the Rosemount. I’m sure I speak for all men when I say I am interested in what takes so long to do this. I mean, here is my ritual. I arrive home and tear off my work clothes and throw them onto the floordrobe, then reach over to my non-work shoes, put them on, grab my non-work shirt and slip it on and walk out to the fridge and open a beer. Put beer down, walk back into room, put on pants, return to beer. I’m now ready.

My girl however begins the ritual with the preamble “I’m going to have a quick shower”. This means action stations and that I have atleast 20 minutes of hassle-free tobacco time to myself. During this time in the bathroom it’s like the opening scene of American Psycho, with 70 extra steps, and all of these products have avocado in some form in the active ingredients. They are guaranteed to make any taught, silky smooth, curved, lean, shiny haired woman look taught, silky smooth, curved, lean and with shiny hair.

After this, it’s to the bedroom for yet another pharmacy load of growers-produce infused creams, followed by what resembles a machine with hundreds of tiny tweezers gnashing at her legs. Except it’s not, it’s, well actually, it is a machine with hundreds of tiny tweezers gnashing at her legs. This makes her silky smooth taught legs silkier and smoother.

Now for the fun part, the wardrobe. This is like a men’s floordrobe except it is upright with little “hangers” holding each piece up in a neat line of never been worn dresses that each have a specific purpose in mind when they were first purchased for example, one might be if they were to happen to find a pair of matching yellow shoes and would be invited to a girl named Sally’s engagement on a Tuesday in Spring during a downturn in the Iranian Stock Exchange.

Once the specific outfit is discovered, it’s put on 7 different ways until a suitable configuration is found then it’s make-up time. For me this isn’t too painful as my girl wears little if any, but I have experienced some in the past that have a trowel, a heat gun and three Sherpas on hand during a 3 hour session, then come out looking like Joan Collins after a food fight.Anyway, she’s ready now.