Posts Tagged ‘Free Porn’

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“Lex Windows WISHES YOU WOULD STOP CALLING ME FFS”
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”

WHAT? YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU FANTASTIC DICKHEAD.

3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*
FUCK OFF

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)

HELLO, SLEEZE BAGS… CAN I HAVE A SECOND PLEASE?

Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS
Rule 3: Chicks that are STEAMING HOT in BIKINIS while MODELLING ON A BEACH, how can I put this, er, YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN LIONFUCK OF GETTING.

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

OK, so we’re all pretty clear on the fact Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with the birth of Jesus Christ. If you’re not familiar with this fact, look it up. Nobody knows when the guy was actually born, the date 25th December wasn’t established properly for almost 1500 years after the dude was killed, and hardly anyone who celebrates Christmas today actually gives a shit. So apart from the name, which is also out the window because from here on in I’m calling it Xmas, it’s pretty much a mish-mash of pagan symbolism (mistletoe, christmas trees, winter solstice, etc) and a fat guy in a red suit invented by Thomas Nast in 1863. There’s also an emerging sense of contempt, it seems, in modern times toward the commercialization of Xmas and the way it exploits the act of giving.

But seriously, who gives a fuck?

For one, Xmas time appears to bring out the best in people. People are much happier, besides miserable people which, to be honest, no-one cares about. It is a way to bring families together, and community spirit is elevated to the point where you can’t find anywhere in a major city to volunteer for the homeless as all the spots were filled a month ago. Is there really any harm in celebrating something that appears to promote good-will towards each other for no real reason other than just being jolly and nice? I don’t think so.

On the commercialization tip, I fail to see how it is a bad thing. People always complain about something when it becomes commercialized, why the fuck do people do this? Are they worried they will no longer be “crucial and edgy”? “I celebrated Xmas before it was commercial” I mean what the hell? COMMERCIAL ISN’T A BAD WORD PEOPLE. Xmas time in our country is the single biggest economic stimulus each year for Australian businesses. It provides jobs and it is healthy for our economy. Nobody forces you to buy anything, there’s no gun pointed at your head, and if you wear anything that is made by any designer label house in Europe you’re not really in a position to judge anything, wouldn’t you say?

Xmas time is also a good time for the charities to make you feel guilty about the excess you and your family indulge in each year. This is what I find most powerful about it, and is possibly it’s best feature. It encourages people who usually don’t give a shit about homeless people, or people in otherwise dire situations, to pretend they care. I’m thinking if it’s going to make someone do something nice to help others less fortunate, who cares, right? Well kind of. Unfortunately it’s usually something quite useless for someone who is homeless, like a hamper, which would be great if a homeless guy had a family and a car. Unfortunately tangible, useful charity isn’t the point for some people and a superficial token to give themselves a warm fuzzy is pretty much the only motive.

What ever you think about Xmas, whatever you do, however much you spend, don’t think too much into it. It’s not the holocaust, so quit complaining and go have fun.

Yeah, you with the white coat and stupid shiny round thing on your head, and what the fuck is that thing even for? Mind-reading? Laser shield? Eye patch for your middle eye? What are you a three-eyed robot space pirate? OK, that’s pretty awesome but DON’T GET COCKY. You’re not off the hook yet. What the fuck is with calling a place you work at to FIX BROKEN PEOPLE a practice? Or am I missing something? Do you have somewhere else where you actually fix people properly called THE ACTUAL PLACE I DO IT FOR REAL or something? Are you fucking practicing on me? You smug fuck.

And here’s a tip: FIX ME WHEN I NEED IT PROPERLY, like hangovers, or foot cramps I get those little fuckers ALL the time when I’m in bed. What about instead of laser-eye surgery, actually give me LASER EYES. Why not? You’re supposed to know how to do this shit. Oh sorry, I forgot YOU’RE JUST PRACTICING. FAGGOT.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I say that a lot actually, fuck it GAY SUCKS. NO, DOCTORS SUCK. Doctors are gay. There I said it.

So, where was I? Hey how come when I make an appointment, you don’t come out and call me until THIRTY MINUTES after I got there? Do you realise how many Woman’s Day magazines I need to read in thirty minutes? I know EVERY name of Brangelina’s children for fucks sake. You’re turning ME gay while you’re fucking around in your little office practicing on some other poor bastard. Why would you treat people that way?

Oh yeah there’s a good one, you say you are going to TREAT a patient. Where’s the treat? I go in your office and you poke a fucking needle in my arm and give me hurts. HOW IS THAT A TREAT? Fucking sadistic fucks. Why don’t I rock up to your house, knock on your door, wait half a fucking hour for you to answer the door and give YOU a fucking treat in the eyeball with my fist? How would you like that?

Also, have you ever even considered, just for fucking once, JUST ONCE warm that stupid heart listening machine around your neck, and CALL IT SOMETHING I CAN SPELL AND PRONOUNCE. Fucken StEtHAMaSkoP. Fuck you and your big words. Hey, dickhead, stop sticking that cold stehytaskamope on my back, MY HEARTS OVER HERE ON MY CHEST IDIOT. Breathe in breath out. Fuck you, you’re the doctor, do it for me.

Do you even understand what some of those pills you prescribe do? You remember the ones you gave me when I was crazy, well, really crazy. THEY MADE ME MORE CRAZY AND MADE MY MOUTH DRY. Why don’t you just say “Go drink some petrol” or poison, flyspray, I don’t know but what the fuck? You’re prescribing me shit that makes me worse. I hate you. I really hope you die from falling on needles in that sneaky little cabinet you keep where I can’t see you pulling one out. SEE HOW IT FEELS?

I don’t actually hate doctors, my doctor is really nice. She fixed my penis once. True story. I’m really sorry guys, I am, no really. Truly sorry.

Faggots.

Oh yeah and GET SOME NURSES THAT ARE UNDER 70 YEARS OLD, LIKE 18 YEAR OLD NURSES WITH SEXY OUTFITS. What are you retarded or something? Don’t you watch porn? Nurses are supposed to be SEXY, not sexy like “Oh hey yeah I’m a grandfather, oh hey look at that sexy old lady” I mean ACTUALLY hot, like a teenager but legal. GET SOME.

I seem to get a few hits from this porn-type stuff, searches for tags I put on like fuck, sex, manatees and so on. Even my travel blog gets the occasional “Thai girls” search engine hits. So, being close to Xmas and all, I thought I better give something to these poor fat slobby sleazy fucks that are sitting there with four cans of coke poured into a vase, three meat lover’s pizzas, potato chip crumbs in their lap, sitting at the PC in a darkened room searching for “fucking” on WordPress. Here ya go ya fat fucks:

Fuck, lick, slap, suck, kiss, bite, push, hard, soft, sherpas in sheep costumes, fanny, doodle, NURSE (that bit isn’t part of it, that was just me typing out loud in my cell, it’s happy tablet time), where was I? Oh yeah, slide, poke, sweat, dick, lick, slappy mc slap, pull hair, rubber gimp mask, rubber chickens I dunno, what are you people into?

Work with me here. No pun intended.

OK, I’ll give it a bash. There’s this chick, right? She has these boobs and shit, so you’re like, sqeezing that shit, right? And she’s all like “ooohh yeah daddy, give it to me hard” in a stupid fake voice and then does one of those Beverly Hills 90210 girly giggles. You’re like “Hell yeah, bitch” and start going crazy, tearing her clothes off left and right, I mean that shit is flying everywhere. It’s all lacy shit too, HOW FUCKING HOT IS THAT? LACY SHIT! and then you pull out your 27 inch mega-wang and dust off the Oreo crumbs from your stomach and say “OK this is Captain Penetrator calling Naval Base, preparing to dock” and she just goes apeshit, OM NOM NOM NOM. BAM, you’ve slapped her in the face and say “Bad doggy” and she wimpers then cries, then plays a gnarly air guitar, fuck this bitch is mad hot.

So then you’re getting down to business, and you have one leg on her cheek, one leg on the couch (I forgot, there’s a couch, OK?) she has one foot in your ear, and the other on the curtain rail near the window. It’s the maddest sex position in the world, and you just invented it because that’s how fucked up you are, in a fully awesome way. Then after that bit, you’re like “Can we go missionary?” and she’s like “Hell yeah bro, I’m catholic, I LOVE that shit!” BAM, you’re going hard mish style. It’s SO lame that it’s cool. You’re hell cool at fucking. Now you’re like “Yo, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna… o… oh… ooHH… OOOOHHH” and she’s like “Oh YEAH I’m so HORNY” and you’re still doing your “O” face and AAAARRRGGGHH your mum walks in and turns the light on and it’s actually your aunty.

Suck shit you stinky perverts, fuck off somewhere else.

WTF?

Here are the tag stats for today and yesterday, who the hell looks for porn and sex on WordPress? I find this hilarious as they are the only tags that really get results. My other site, http://indianajerk.com which I blog my overseas adventure travels on, uses highly focussed, high traffic SEO tags which do get me quite good results. Things such as “Killing Fields”, “Angkor Temples”, “Thailand Hotels” etc, these work well and get better with the age of the website (Google crawlers take the site’s age into account). But amazingly, AntiNerd has achieved over 80 hits per day consistently during weekdays and is less than two months old.

I attribute this to a few things. First the blog itself is like a cross between Seinfeld and Big Brother. It incorporates feelings, experiences, real human insights, comedy, emotion and has absolutely fuck-all themes. It’s about nothing more than whatever the hell I feel like writing about for the day. Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down, but it’s all real, all raw, and people like to see themselves in others. People can relate to some of my ups or downs, it’s good to see others feel or experience what you do.

Secondly I attribute Facebook and Tags. I don’t take tags seriously on AntiNerd, I put anything really but notice some terms pull traffic (pun intended). Facebook links help lots, when I update, I link it on Facebook and the majority of my traffic is attributed to it being linked by myself and other people on their profiles. Nice work Facebook.

Third on the traffic tip is ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends (not mine you idiots, although it’s OK to be gay, fight the power, ruby slippers and all that), and other obsessed people desperately trying to find some hidden meaning about them nestled within my posts. They tend to forget I have an upgraded premium hosted account where the statistics and traffic information is quite extensive. One person in particular visits at least once a day to either click “I hate you” on my poll, or scan for any details that may support the ultimate controversy they have concocted in their brain. This is my blog, it’s about me you fucking idiots, not you. Stop reading so much into it, go and buy Greame Base’s book The Eleventh Hour if you are that desperate to discover a secret mystery. By the way, it was 111 mice that ate all the food. Poor Horace the Elephant.

So, stats, checkout the tags: 

Today

Referrer Views
en.wordpress.com/tag/fuck 4
en.wordpress.com/tag/free-porn 3
Facebook Profile 1
en.wordpress.com/tag/porn 1

Yesterday

Referrer Views
Friend’s Blog  15
My Facebook Profile 7
WordPress Dashboard 5
Facebook 5
Facebook 4
en.wordpress.com/tag/fuck 3
Friend’s WordPress 2
Friend’s Facebook Profile 1
Facebook Link 1
Facebook Link 1
en.wordpress.com/tag/fucking 1
Friend’s Facebook Profile 1

And my favourite for yesterday and today:

Search Views
speedos 1

I started this blog less than 2 months ago and by the time I get home it will be over 1000 hits.

1000 Hits – 12:20pm

1. Happy 1000 Hit Birthday AntiNerd

2. Google and SEO doesn’t mean shit in terms of personal blogs. Professional websites, etc I can tell you first hand SEO works, and very well. But personal blogs? Get fucked. The only hits I get from Tags are “fuck” and “sex” etc.

3. People read blogs like they watch Big Brother, because humans and the human condition are interesting. Some can express it well, some can’t.

4. If your blog looks like an Ad, it’s boring. There’s ads all over the internet. Get a personality and then start blogging.

5. Be interesting, write well, and keep it raw, that’s what a blog is for.

Peace,

xxx

Scott Assassin

It’s Thursday and I’ve got no pants on. Fuck you, internet.

fag