Advice For Terrorists.

I'm fucking watching you, Terrorist. I can see your flying bomb and I know what you're upto.

Don’t play coy with me, Terrorists. I’m onto you. Our governments have told us all about you. What’s with the ninja masks? You can’t even do a roundhouse kick YOU DON’T EVEN OWN A PAIR OF NUMCHUCKERS. I have another thing to tell you as well, Terrorists: YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL MUSLIMS. Why? Real Muslims don’t blow themselves up or kill people. Just because you read the Koran and yell “Allah!” all fucking day doesn’t mean you’re a Muslim. Guess what? Islam hates you.

I’ve been watching you for a while, Terrorists, and YOU KNOW WHAT? I know you are just blowing yourselves up to be mean. You’re like the mean kid at school who just LIKES being mean to other kids. You have NO VERIFIABLE REASON to blow up infront of people, you just have a fucking mean streak and I hate you. Were you not taught by your mother that BLOWING YOURSELF UP AT PEOPLE IS VERY RUDE?

I don’t give a fat fuck what kind of extremist idiot you are, what rabid, dusty and shrapnel cobbled country you fight for or how many guns you have. I just need you to pay very close attention to the next two sentences:

1. Nobody fucking cares who or what you think you’re dying for.

2. Killing yourself and others shows that you lack the basic cognitive tools that even a lobotomized infant orangutan could possess during a heavy LSD binge.

Now let’s talk about your “cause”. What the fuck is it? Do you even know? Because none of us do and we’re trying to figure out what your problem is. Do you realise that the Western World you despise so much, have no idea why you blow yourselves up all the time? Yes, that’s right, nobody has any idea why you kill yourselves for what ever dinky little cause you have. You blow yourselves up for nothing. When our media reports a suicide bombing on the TV (it’s a plastic box that we can see moving pictures on) they just talk about how you blew up, and blew some other people up that knew nothing about your cause either. Nobody EVER talks about the reasons you did it, we just talk about how stupid you are for dying in the face of ignorant bliss. You’re like the tree that fell in the forest while no-one was there. You’re like when I throw a cigarette up in the air and catch it in my mouth but no one is around to see my accomplishment, except you don’t accomplish anything and smoking has a better kill-rate.

Have you ever thought of hiring a PR guy? I mean, and lets be honest here, you’re shit at PR. No one likes you. The fact you’re killing yourselves in the name of apparently nothing tells me you’re passionate about something and it must be pretty cool if you’re willing to die for it, so how are you going to get your point across? The blowing up thing isn’t working, and you won’t gain any power by riding camels, swinging an AK47 (the ’47’ stands for ‘1947’ dude, that’s older than your camel) and yelling “ayayayayayaaah”. So it’s time to start looking for a better angle.

Have you thought about doing something good? Can you imagine that? “Welcome to Nine News… Tonight: The Taliban send 1000 boxes of Cadbury Favourites and a shipment of teddy bears to Haiti to raise the spirits of a disaster effected people.” EVERY SINGLE Aussie, Kiwi, Canuk, Pom and Yank watching TV will spit their dinner all over the screen in shock, drop the remote and google “awesome terrorist dudes” just to see what you are about. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE TRANSMITTED.

Is this making sense to you? Put the goat down and listen, this is important.

You also need to realize that waving the Bible, Koran or whatever book you follow around doesn’t justify your actions. It not only makes you look stupid, it makes anyone who follows that book properly look stupid too. The problem is that not everyone who watches our TVs are smart, so they think EVERYONE who follows the religion you follow is as retarded as you, which fortunately is not the case. So knock it off, Terrorists, you’re not helping anyone.

7 Things Today That Can Fuck Right Off

1. 5am
4am I hear is kinda cool, I’ve never seen 4am except once when I had to catch a plane to Europe which was really exciting. 6am, that’s coffee and warm shower o’clock. 6am smells like fresh toast, it’s when my girlfriend starts wriggling awake and making little cute squeeky noises.

But 5am? You can fuck RIGHT off, you cold, dark, military-grade chronological fuckbag.

2. Kids in TV ads, singing in vibrato
It’s bad enough listening to Christina Aguilera sing Christmas Carols in what sounds like her sitting on a washing machine with a “Black Brutus” inserted in her whoopsie-doo, let alone watching some tiny kid in a car ad singing out of key with a creepy as fuck tremolo technique that only opera singers should be licensed to perform. You strange, un-natural little wobble aliens, fuck RIGHT off.

3. Foodies
Every now and then, we all eat something that makes us go, mid face stuff, “OM MAH GOB ISS IZ SO GOOB NOMP OMP OMP.” But what is with people on Facebook that need to document every fucking thing they eat like what they eat and where they dine defines their whole existence? “Oh the deggy at Yellow Lotus Stream was divine.” It’s a fucking TASTING PLATE you culinary creep. YOUR LIFE ISN’T A MENU, TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT YOURSELF AND FUCK RIGHT OFF.

4. Mormons
Now I gotta admit, they’re pleasant enough chaps to talk to but… ANCIENT JEWISH PEOPLE DIDN’T WEAR VIKING HATS YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS.

5. Ninja Dogs
So I’m walking to the train station each morning and there’s a dog on the way, that every single morning selfishly takes advantage of my morning sleepwalk for his own fucking amusement. He knows my morning routine intimately, and waits patiently at the corner of his yard on his side of the fence in his smug little ninja suit under the shrub like an evil little fur-covered noise-terrorist. When I reach the EXACT spot parallel to him, not 10cm from his loud heart attack inducing face, the following routine ensues every day at 7:45am…

Dog Jerk: BAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAHP
Stupid Me: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

I don’t need a coffee in the morning. This fucking dog is it. You can fuck RIGHT off, ninja dog.

6. David Koch Talking About Technology
Actually, David Koch talking about anything, GO FUCK YOURSELF, KOCHIE.

7. Exercise Machines That Fold And Store Under Your Bed.
HOW MANY FUCKING BEDS DO YOU THINK I HAVE YOU IDIOTS. START MAKING USELESS MACHINES THAT I WILL NEVER USE TO FIT UNDER OTHER HOUSEHOLD PIECES OF FURNITURE.

7 Things I Think About Osama Bin Laden’s Death

The news of the death of Osama Bin Laden has sparked what can only be perceived as celebration throughout the world, if the images beamed from each television station are anything to go by. But is it something to celebrate?

Personally, I think we need to consider a few things before we start hollering “yeeee-heew”, spitting tabaccy in glee and shooting our guns into the air.

1. Terrorism in Perspective.
   The first thing to think about is this: what the fuck have we been worried about? The War On Terror is one of the most ridiculous things the allied nations have ever concentrated their efforts and resources on. For a start, the threat of terrorism is so microscopic compared to issues such as road safety that it is completely disproportionate in regards to expenditure versus priority. In fact, over the last 50 years, the amount of American citizens killed in international terrorist incidents has been no more than the amount struck by lightening.There is no denying the massive loss of innocent life caused by Bin Laden in the September 11, 2001 attacks is one of history’s saddest days. But when we compare this to the amount of people who have died in the search for him and the associated War On Terror, it pales in comparison. The US military death toll in Iraq surpassed the 9/11 benchmark in 2005, and this doesn’t even take into account civilian and related conflict casualties. The entire world reaction to the September 11 attacks and associated conflicts has caused a death toll reaching over one hundred thousand. (1)(2)(3)
2. It’s Not Something To Be Proud Of.
   First off, it took the culmination of the most powerful and advanced countries on Earth ten years to find him. But more importantly it appears people around the world, especially the United States, have confused justice with revenge. Judging by some of the comments made by a handful (and thankfully a minority) of my American friends on Facebook and the scenes of crowds in New York waving American flags and chanting “U.S.A, U.S.A…” it looks more like America won some kind of world sporting event, which as the major world competitive sports such as soccer, cricket and rugby enthusiasts will know, is preposterous.If anything this should be a sombre day to remember the victims of the attacks he orchestrated, and it will hopefully bring some closure to the victim’s families. But it’s not something you should be celebrating, it was never a competition.
3. It Changes Nothing.
   Terrorism wasn’t invented by Bin Laden, and killing him hasn’t made the world any safer. The fact the Bush administration made him the poster boy of terrorism doesn’t make the guy any more significant as a terrorist threat. The only claim to infamy he has is the scale of innocent non-combatant human life which he killed, and that all depends on how you define terrorism. Which ever way you look at it, it comes right down the list underneath the Holocaust and other mass human destruction such as, say, dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima.
4. We Probably Just Made Things Worse.
   If our faux-Islamic crusader friends at Al Qaeda didn’t have much to be shitty about before, they sure as hell do now. The Australian Government is now advising everyone not to travel, and if they are already are overseas, to stay indoors due to an enhanced violence risk toward Westerners. To be completely honest, I felt safer while Osama was alive.(4)
5. Invasion of Iraq, What The Fuck.
   The War On Terror has helped cement the Western World as aggressors to many nations, none more so than the invasion of Iraq in our search for “Weapons of Mass Destruction”, the witch of the 21^st Century. For a country that had absolutely no ties to Osama Bin Laden or Al Qaeda, we certainly pissed it off enough that it now does. And don’t even get me started on the amount of ancient history that has been destroyed because of it.(3)
6. We Have Much Bigger Things To Worry About.
   While the Western World has been measuring our dick size in Afghanistan and Iraq against the Islamic World’s equivalent of Westboro Baptist Church, almost 4 million people have died in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The war in the Congo is the most deadliest conflict since World War II and no-one has done a thing, in fact as of 2011, the UN have completely pulled out of the conflict zone, leaving the entire population in the hands of rebel infested anarchy. This to me says to all that the hunt for Bin Laden had nothing to do with making the world safer and everything to do with greed, revenge and dick size.(5)(6)
7. We Have Learned Nothing.
   After all the people that have died, we seem to have forgotten that Osama Bin Laden was trying to bring something to our attention. Our attention he sure got, but (most probably due to the hideously dim-witted way he went about it) we didn’t get the message. Most of Bin Laden’s reasoning behind the attacks he directed are his own skewed interpretations of, and contrary to, Islamic beliefs.But much of what our governments like to tell us, such as the hatred of western culture, is simply not the case and is more just to divert our attention from the fact that it is mostly our foreign policies that are the motivation for extremist activities. The western world’s stance and policies concerning the Israeli–Palestinian conflict is also a common theme, and of all the things Bin Laden got wrong, he may possibly have been right about this. But that’s a whole new ball game.(7)

Works Cited

1. Six Rather Unusual Propositions about Terrorism. Muellera, John. 2005, Terrorism and Political Violence, pp. 487 – 505.

2. U.S. deaths in Iraq, war on terror surpass 9/11 toll. CNN.com. [Online] CNN, September 3rd, 2006. [Cited: May 2, 2011.] http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/09/03/death.toll/.

3. Scahill, Jeremy. Jeremy Scahill on Killing of Bin Laden: Obama Has “Doubled Down on Bush Administration Policy of Targeted Assassination”. Democracy Now! New York : http://www.democracynow.org, May 2nd, 2011.

4. Enhanced Risk of Anti-Western Violence. Smartraveller. [Online] Australian Government’s travel advisory and consular information service., May 2nd, 2011. [Cited: 5 2, 2011.] http://www.smartraveller.gov.au/zw-cgi/view/TravelBulletins/Enhanced_Risk_of_Anti-Western_Violence.

5. Robinson, Simon. The Deadliest War in The World. TIME.com. [Online] Time Magazine, May 28th, 2006. [Cited: May 2nd, 2011.] http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1198921,00.html.

6. Kemp, Ross.
Ross Kemp’s Extreme World – Congo. Democratic Republic of the Congo : Sky1, 2010. Video Documentary.

7. Understanding Terrorism: 20 basic facts. Borgu, Aldo. 2004, Strategic Insights, pp. 1 – 10.

5 Things That Annoy The Shit Out Of Me On Facebook

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“Lex Windows WISHES YOU WOULD STOP CALLING ME FFS”
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”

WHAT? YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU FANTASTIC DICKHEAD.

3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*
FUCK OFF

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)

HELLO, SLEEZE BAGS… CAN I HAVE A SECOND PLEASE?

Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS
Rule 3: Chicks that are STEAMING HOT in BIKINIS while MODELLING ON A BEACH, how can I put this, er, YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN LIONFUCK OF GETTING.

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

10 Most Stupid Things People Do On Facebook.

Facebook, love it or hate it, has become one of the most powerful social networking devices of our time. You don’t need to remember your friend’s birthdays, you just watch out for all the Hapie Birfdai wall posts and follow the flock (pretending you knew all along). Hi Mum xxx. You can catch up with the goss on people, find out where mates are, stalk your ex, even connect with your REAL friends.

But here’s a few things that make you look like a prime cut of fuckwit steak, so try to not do the following things on Facebook:

1. Start tribute fanpages for dead people.
Yeah this first one isn’t funny, why would you start a tribute fanpage on Facebook for a young person that has died in tragic circumstances? That’s like having their funeral at a nightclub full of drunks. What the hell were you expecting? The internet to stop what it’s doing and feel sorry for you?

The internet is not a reflection of the face people put on in the real world, it is the reflection of the rawness of the personality usually filtered by the part of the brain that avoids you getting punched in the face in a face to face situation. Perceived anonymity not only makes people braver than normal, it exposes how fucked up humans really can be. Don’t put anything that deserves complete and utter respect and reverence on Facebook and expect it to be. It simply will not.

2. Be a racist kitten squeezer.
If you have more than 3 friends on Facebook and join those “Fuck off we’re full” groups, chances are your 3+ friends aren’t all as stupidly narrow minded and downright socially retarded as you are. There’s even more chance that atleast one of them comes from a background different to yours. Even more chance that you regularly eat the food of the people you are being racist towards and are nice to their faces.

Come on, we’re all adults here, how many people with Southern Cross tattoos and FOWF stickers on their Holden Ute eat meat pies, dim sims, pizza, tacos and kebabs? I’ll tell you, every single one of them. Also, racist jerks, whoever you are complaining about taking “our jobs” does a job you wouldn’t do anyway, or are not qualified to do. So shut the fuck up.

3. Over-share your life with status updates.
You know the ones, “Fred Johnson IS SICK OF THIS SHIT, FUCK YOU JENNY, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAD ANAL SEX WITH GEORGE. I LOVED YOU, I EVEN DID THAT THING YOU LIKE WHERE I WEAR THE CLOWN NOSE ON MY PENIS”.

Yeah, don’t.

4. Woe is me status.
No one gives a shit about your ailments. You sound like a wet rag that can’t handle life. “So Andso is sick of this sprained ankle”, “Bitch Tits is not feeling good, time to up the dosage”, “Whinge fucken whinge”, shut up. What are you looking for? Sympathybook? An iBandage? An eHug? Fucking sooks.

5. Farm animals.
There’s already enough horse shit on Facebook. Agriculture and computer technology don’t mix. YOU CAN’T FEED SHEEP INTERNETS, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS VITAMIN TCP/IP ENRICHED CHICKEN FEED. YOU HAVE TO USE REAL HAY AND THERE’S NO WHERE TO PUT IT HERE. So stop trying to farm animals on Facebook, it’s cruel and probably illegal to turn animals into zeros and ones then make them live in Facebook.

6. Invite people to anything important.
If you send me an invite to your wedding on Facebook, I hope a rabid dog bites you on the balls. Fuck you.

7. Spam people not in your group.
Groups are for people who are interested in something you want to plug. Nightclub parties, whatever. So start a group up, watch the people who are interested roll in, and send them messages about upcoming events. Don’t send me personal messages about some boring event with DJ Blah playing deep funky sexy house step. I fucking hate your music and techno music isn’t sexy.

8. Become a fan of sex.
You’re not special. The human race is upwards of 6 billion because of sex, not because of a Facebook slut page. Of course you like sex, we’re designed to. Stop being a floozy.

9. Announce “inside” Facebook information.
Facebook has a blog for this, we don’t need your “expert opinion”. Stop joining “I WILL NOT PAY TO USE FACEBOOK. I NEED 1 MILLION PEOPLE TO JOIN ME” groups. Facebook subsides with joint partnerships and advertising schedules that generate millions of dollars. They don’t need your fucking money, idiot. Use your brain for just a tiny bit for god’s sake before clicking on things. Why are you being stupid? Stop it.

10. Continually post photos of how sexy you are.
Because you’re not.

Stop Fucking Whinging About Christmas

OK, so we’re all pretty clear on the fact Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with the birth of Jesus Christ. If you’re not familiar with this fact, look it up. Nobody knows when the guy was actually born, the date 25th December wasn’t established properly for almost 1500 years after the dude was killed, and hardly anyone who celebrates Christmas today actually gives a shit. So apart from the name, which is also out the window because from here on in I’m calling it Xmas, it’s pretty much a mish-mash of pagan symbolism (mistletoe, christmas trees, winter solstice, etc) and a fat guy in a red suit invented by Thomas Nast in 1863. There’s also an emerging sense of contempt, it seems, in modern times toward the commercialization of Xmas and the way it exploits the act of giving.

But seriously, who gives a fuck?

For one, Xmas time appears to bring out the best in people. People are much happier, besides miserable people which, to be honest, no-one cares about. It is a way to bring families together, and community spirit is elevated to the point where you can’t find anywhere in a major city to volunteer for the homeless as all the spots were filled a month ago. Is there really any harm in celebrating something that appears to promote good-will towards each other for no real reason other than just being jolly and nice? I don’t think so.

On the commercialization tip, I fail to see how it is a bad thing. People always complain about something when it becomes commercialized, why the fuck do people do this? Are they worried they will no longer be “crucial and edgy”? “I celebrated Xmas before it was commercial” I mean what the hell? COMMERCIAL ISN’T A BAD WORD PEOPLE. Xmas time in our country is the single biggest economic stimulus each year for Australian businesses. It provides jobs and it is healthy for our economy. Nobody forces you to buy anything, there’s no gun pointed at your head, and if you wear anything that is made by any designer label house in Europe you’re not really in a position to judge anything, wouldn’t you say?

Xmas time is also a good time for the charities to make you feel guilty about the excess you and your family indulge in each year. This is what I find most powerful about it, and is possibly it’s best feature. It encourages people who usually don’t give a shit about homeless people, or people in otherwise dire situations, to pretend they care. I’m thinking if it’s going to make someone do something nice to help others less fortunate, who cares, right? Well kind of. Unfortunately it’s usually something quite useless for someone who is homeless, like a hamper, which would be great if a homeless guy had a family and a car. Unfortunately tangible, useful charity isn’t the point for some people and a superficial token to give themselves a warm fuzzy is pretty much the only motive.

What ever you think about Xmas, whatever you do, however much you spend, don’t think too much into it. It’s not the holocaust, so quit complaining and go have fun.

Doctors Are Fucking Idiots

Yeah, you with the white coat and stupid shiny round thing on your head, and what the fuck is that thing even for? Mind-reading? Laser shield? Eye patch for your middle eye? What are you a three-eyed robot space pirate? OK, that’s pretty awesome but DON’T GET COCKY. You’re not off the hook yet. What the fuck is with calling a place you work at to FIX BROKEN PEOPLE a practice? Or am I missing something? Do you have somewhere else where you actually fix people properly called THE ACTUAL PLACE I DO IT FOR REAL or something? Are you fucking practicing on me? You smug fuck.

And here’s a tip: FIX ME WHEN I NEED IT PROPERLY, like hangovers, or foot cramps I get those little fuckers ALL the time when I’m in bed. What about instead of laser-eye surgery, actually give me LASER EYES. Why not? You’re supposed to know how to do this shit. Oh sorry, I forgot YOU’RE JUST PRACTICING. FAGGOT.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I say that a lot actually, fuck it GAY SUCKS. NO, DOCTORS SUCK. Doctors are gay. There I said it.

So, where was I? Hey how come when I make an appointment, you don’t come out and call me until THIRTY MINUTES after I got there? Do you realise how many Woman’s Day magazines I need to read in thirty minutes? I know EVERY name of Brangelina’s children for fucks sake. You’re turning ME gay while you’re fucking around in your little office practicing on some other poor bastard. Why would you treat people that way?

Oh yeah there’s a good one, you say you are going to TREAT a patient. Where’s the treat? I go in your office and you poke a fucking needle in my arm and give me hurts. HOW IS THAT A TREAT? Fucking sadistic fucks. Why don’t I rock up to your house, knock on your door, wait half a fucking hour for you to answer the door and give YOU a fucking treat in the eyeball with my fist? How would you like that?

Also, have you ever even considered, just for fucking once, JUST ONCE warm that stupid heart listening machine around your neck, and CALL IT SOMETHING I CAN SPELL AND PRONOUNCE. Fucken StEtHAMaSkoP. Fuck you and your big words. Hey, dickhead, stop sticking that cold stehytaskamope on my back, MY HEARTS OVER HERE ON MY CHEST IDIOT. Breathe in breath out. Fuck you, you’re the doctor, do it for me.

Do you even understand what some of those pills you prescribe do? You remember the ones you gave me when I was crazy, well, really crazy. THEY MADE ME MORE CRAZY AND MADE MY MOUTH DRY. Why don’t you just say “Go drink some petrol” or poison, flyspray, I don’t know but what the fuck? You’re prescribing me shit that makes me worse. I hate you. I really hope you die from falling on needles in that sneaky little cabinet you keep where I can’t see you pulling one out. SEE HOW IT FEELS?

I don’t actually hate doctors, my doctor is really nice. She fixed my penis once. True story. I’m really sorry guys, I am, no really. Truly sorry.

Faggots.

Oh yeah and GET SOME NURSES THAT ARE UNDER 70 YEARS OLD, LIKE 18 YEAR OLD NURSES WITH SEXY OUTFITS. What are you retarded or something? Don’t you watch porn? Nurses are supposed to be SEXY, not sexy like “Oh hey yeah I’m a grandfather, oh hey look at that sexy old lady” I mean ACTUALLY hot, like a teenager but legal. GET SOME.

Killing In The Train

STOP. Scroll down and click “Play” on the YouTube video link, then come back up here and read the story.

NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have a bad day at work, be a semi-nutcase, probably bi-polar and mildly schizophrenic, sexually frustrated, over-tired, have a temporary lack of concern for your own welfare, a dash of egomaniacal issues, and stand on a packed peak-hour train with Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name” playing at full iPod volume through Sennheiser earbuds.

Trust me on this.

I almost killed a train full of innocent people this afternoon at exactly 5:21pm Western Standard Time, almost made the fucking news. It ALMOST would have been “Hello I’m Tom Gloopenburger, Tonight on Ten News: two-hundred and seventy three people dead after a crazed, horny, cunt-of-a-job-having, tattooed nut job in a suit carrying a skateboard started moshing when Killing In The Name started playing on his iPod. Police say it’s unknown whether or not he had called his mother last Sunday but it appears he did not, nor did he seem to have any remorse that he has not done any Xmas shopping yet for anyone although he only has one FUCKING pay cheque left, and was heard to be yelling “Expletive you, I won’t do what you tell me” repeatedly while being taken away to a mental institution with laserbeam bars to keep him contained.”

It was ONE fucking synapse from happening, I swear to Baby Fairy Princess Jesus God Mother of Christ.

I got to my stop, Bullet In The Head started mashing my ear-drums. I need to take this part to put a big sorry out to my skateboard “Rolly”. Rolly, I’m sorry I treated you that way, it was uncalled for and I know you only have 54mm Spitfires, not those big road-warrior thingys, and I thrashed the living fuck out of you all the way through Scarborough Beach Road on that nasty tarmac. But at least you aren’t being crossed to live on channel Ten with bits of eyeballs and blood all over you with your daddy in a psych ward. K? Cuddles? Aw, my little Rolly, who’s my widdaw Rolly? Hm?

OK, you guys, I’m OK now you can fuck off, this is me and Rolly time. He deserves it.

Credit: What Is Wrong With You People?

I was with a friend one day, going to get supplies for an after party, and we headed into the BP Service Station. We got to the counter and as it was a communal amount of supplies, I reached for my wallet. “No no no no” he said, I’ll grab it bro, and pulled out an American Express card like it was a 10 inch dick made of diamonds and rainbows. I was kind of perplexed and asked him about it on the way back to his place, cruising in his cool Jeep, cranking a cool stereo. He said “Ah, it’s more of a bit of a status symbol really.”

Another friend, who was taken to dinner buy a “hot guy” recently was asked by another friend (who was being facetious) “did he use a Matercard or a Visa?”… “Commonwealth Gold Visa” she replied, “He’s cashed up”.

Reality check:

NO HE ISN’T. COMMONWEALTH BANK OF AUSTRALIA IS CASHED UP.

I have some words of advice to you people.

1. Credit
If you don’t have the money in your bank account to buy something, you can’t fucking afford it. Work. Work fucking hard, work so hard that the Seven Dwarves look like a den full of hula dancers in an opium den that NEVER do the dishes or put the toilet seat down. When you have the money to buy what you want, get it.

2. Mortgages.
We live for 65 maybe 70 years of useable, enjoyable life depending on how many pills you did at “Entropy” that night, and how often you slam straight vodka and smoke. If the latter is the case, you may just make it to 90. I know your mum and dad told you to buy a house, settle down and pay $500 a week for 30 years at a rate of interest that is so close to fucking you in the arse, you should make your broker wear a condom. I can pay $500 per week in an apartment that outclasses your pissy little house so hard, even Snoop Dogg would share a room. When I want to up and leave to another interesting place in the world, I cut the lease. I can live when and where I like, for 30 years.

“What about investment value?”, you ask. “Equity is important. You’re happy just renting all your life?”. Well hang on, what do you think you are doing with your house? You’re renting it off the bank and in 30 years after they have made a fortune off your interest so you can be the proud owner of an outdated 30 year old house, you will be in your 60s and most probably hadn’t done much in your life, like really justified your existence.

If you are, say 30 years old, you will be 60 when your house is paid off. You will have equity, you will have a house that may or may not have gained value. Now let’s talk about equity. Equity means nothing to you, it means when you die, hopefully someone will have a holiday by selling your home. The only people who use the word equity are banks, to gauge how much more they can rip you off with MORE LOANS, and people who know how to use realestate to get rich. If you’re neither of them, shut up about equity.

While we’re on the subject, just because I don’t have a mortgage doesn’t mean I can’t buy a house. There are things called managed investment funds, and high interest accounts. You use these to SAVE money in, money that you work for, you know, money that belongs to you. These are clever things as they gain interest at a rate that competes well with interest rate growth by compounding. Compound interest, just like the bank uses for your mortgage to suck more money from you, you can do the same for yourself. You’re loaning the bank money, clever huh? When I feel the need to live a boring life full of 2.5 kids and a white picket fence (which eventually I will) I’ll buy a house with my own money, thanks. I’ll leave you with a quote: “The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest”. Albert Einstein said that.

3. Toys.
We all love them. Plasmas, cars, stereos, boats. Can you afford it? Not if you don’t have the cash. Why get a loan for something you cannot afford? The money isn’t yours. Would you be angry at your mate asking to borrow $50 to buy something at the mall and pay you back $5 a week for 10 weeks? Probably. You’re being just as much of a bum, but to a billion dollar industry that thrives on bums like you.

4. Mobile phones.
Mobile phone plans are geared to make money for multi-million dollar communications companies, not to make it cheaper for you to make calls to your mum on Sunday. You are tied to a 12 or 24 month contract and given a phone that has all these awesome features that you get all excited about then sign without taking into account Moore’s Law.

iPhones are for idiots, and signing up for one that is the latest technology for 24 months is just stupid. In 24 months, we’ll be looking at WiMAX, 3GPP deployment and ultimately 4G technology. Don’t believe me? Look it up. So after you’ve finally finished your Vodafone iPhone plan with 2 years of Facebook, Twitter, calls to Mum, and $2,736, your iPhone will be worth shit, let alone be giggled at while other people who bought a phone for half the price that year can hold 10 times the amount of data on it than yours can right now, plus use the 4G network.

Phones aren’t for games and apps. IT’S FOR CALLING YOUR MUM AND SOOKING ABOUT BEING IN DEBT AND ASKING TO BORROW MONEY. You don’t need Facebook, Weather, News Feed, Twitter and Music coming out of your phone. It all costs money. Mobile phones are for TALKING, and Pre-Paid mobiles mean you control how much you spend, and you are spending YOUR money. If you run out of credit, recharge it. If you don’t have the money to, I BET it’s because you have debt. I spend less than $40 per month on phone calls, and I use it for 3 businesses and every cent of tarif that clicks through that mobile tower is my money, not credit. But back on the subject of apps:

Facebook: Use your laptop, it does LOTS of things.
Weather: HAVE A LOOK OUTSIDE
News Feed: Brangelina bought a kid, Rove quit showbiz, Jacko died, now get back to work.
Twitter: NO ONE, and I mean NOBODY AT ALL reads your twitters, trust me.
Music: iPods do this as well, and better, and they aren’t pretentious fauxputers.
Email: If you check your email more than 4 times a week, it means you aren’t very important.

5. Credit Cards.
You have no fucking excuse to have one, and don’t give me that emergency shit. Put away $2000 in a high interest account and link it to your Visa or Mastercard DEBIT CARD. And what the fuck is a credit card emergency anyway? “OH MY GOD, THAT YVES SAINT LAURENT DRESS IS GOING TO DIE OF SADNESS IF I LEAVE IT NEAR THAT DRAB HANDBAG, HOW DARE DAVID JONES PUT GUCCI NEAR YSL, CURSES TO YOU JONES, I MUST SAVE THE DRESS”

If it’s not your money, don’t be such a cocky fuck, you own nothing, the bank owns you. OWNS YOU. Let it sink in. Know who owns me? Me.

To Shit Bricks, Press 1.

I’m no good at accounting rubbish. To me, numbers are something to be used for identifying rugby players, telling me how much money I have, and to tell me how many days left until Friday. I leave the rest to people who find lots of interest in numbers and much to my amusement, people who like to count actually exist.

 The Australian Tax Department apparently needs people like this. But no-one seems to know where to find them, not even the phone system they have. Being a government department, they have recently upgraded their system to “phones” and “paper” technology. They even have “fax” machines, ingenious devices that work somewhat like email, PDF files and printers all mixed into one single unit that rarely works, atleast 30% of the time, and have buttons on them that refer to technology used around the same time as Beta max was considered a good idea.

I called an ATO number today to enquire about the escalated escalation that an escalation officer escalated to the escalation department last month for me on an issue I felt needed to be escalated. A lovely recorded lady answered the phone and I was asked to press 1 for Tax related enquiries, 2 for anything else, I was tempted to press 2 and ask if I could have a decaf latte, 2 family size pizzas with garlic bread and 3 tickets to the Bolshoi Ballet.

I pressed 1, then I was presented with the following options, and I didn’t listen much but it was something like press 1 to speak to an operator regarding tax file, 2 to return to the previous menu, 3 to enquire about tax enquiries, 4 to return to the tax file menu, 5 to speak to a menu about the previous tax file, 6 for an operator, 7 to hear these choices again and 8 if it’s your favourite number.

As this was my 8th call to them, I already knew that pressing any of them would still get me to Phil or Jenny, the two 8 year olds that work for the phone system so I pressed 0. I got Jenny. I asked jenny how my escalation collection was going and if it had earned interest in the meantime and apparently it had. She said she will escalate it to her supervisor, who was obviously 17 and much higher ranked, which means that all the previous escalations had returned to square 1. He then put me on hold and went off to do some counting. Or so he said.

He then told me he had just spoken to the counting person in Sydney who is counting my numbers for me to which I asked to be put through. He told me they actually have no phone number to call them. Now I may be stupid, but I’m certainly not really stupid so I asked how he spoke to him. Well, he replied, I called him. I was speechless. I said nothing for about 10 seconds hoping that the stupidity would soak in to him like a colgate toothpaste chalk ad, and it dawned on him after 9.

I hung up. They can have the fucking money.