Archive for the ‘Emo Fag Shit’ Category

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“Lex Windows WISHES YOU WOULD STOP CALLING ME FFS”
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”

WHAT? YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU FANTASTIC DICKHEAD.

3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*
FUCK OFF

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)

HELLO, SLEEZE BAGS… CAN I HAVE A SECOND PLEASE?

Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS
Rule 3: Chicks that are STEAMING HOT in BIKINIS while MODELLING ON A BEACH, how can I put this, er, YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN LIONFUCK OF GETTING.

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

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Guys are getting soft, I mean really soft. I’m going to say some things to those of you who have gone soft, you may not like it, but this is tough love.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO THE GAY COMMUNITY: You guys are cool, but I am claiming back the word “faggot” and re-assigning it to heterosexual males that act like princesses, it’s called a neo-faggot. You guys don’t like the word anyway and don’t deserve it, so I’m taking it. If you are homosexual, you have every right and reason to jump around like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road, but hetero males should either come out or act like a hetero. Furthermore, people who are ACTUALLY GAY are MORE MANLY than hetero guys that flounce about like pork-chops wearing Spinners underwear and salmon shirts anyway, this includes drag queens. Finally, I am giving the gay community full rights to use my new word-assignment toward hetero faggots when ever they please.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO HETEROSEXUAL MEN: If you do any of the below then you are a neo-faggot. All men are egos wrapped in penis tissue then loaded with sperm and set to “auto-target”. EVERYTHING men do is somehow related to getting a root. Thing is, some men just get it without trying, you see: Women are geared to have children, they are genetically wired to be attracted to strong, safe, mentally and emotionally stable partners. This means although they aren’t attracted to complete slobs, they still like a little rougness around the edges. They want a hunter, and if YOU were alive in caveman days, you would have gathered berrys. NO woman likes someone who is a bigger princess than they are, they want to fuck someone that doesn’t shave his legs or use up all of her Schwarzkopf Professional Color Management System.

1. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, POUT IN A PHOTO
I have seen this a lot lately, guys that pout in a fucking photo. No, really, YOU’RE NOT IN A PLAYBOY SHOOT, AND IF YOU WERE, THAT WOULD MEAN YOU HAVE A VAGINA. STOP PRETENDING YOU HAVE A VAGINA. FAGGOT.

2. Popped collars.
You have only ONE reason to do this, if you are in the middle of the desert on a top secret mission looking for Al Queida missle locations on a 47 degree day. THERE ARE NO TERRORISTS IN SUBIACO OR LEEDERVILLE, EXCEPT YOU TERRORISING THE FASHION COMMUNITY. STOP IT, IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR NECK HAS LABIA.

3. Asking your mates out for coffee.
NO. This is not how it is done, fellas. When you want to see your mates and hang out, YOU OFFER THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHAR GRILL DEAD ANIMALS WHILE DRINKING BEER. And NEVER under ANY circumstance refer to the TYPE or BRAND of beer, IT’S JUST CALLED BEER. Also, if you have serious aspirations of becoming a real man, you need a boobies BBQ apron but DO NOT WEAR IT. Give it to your best mate to wear and assure him he is a big girl. HURT HIS FEELINGS, THAT’S HOW TO SHOW YOUR MATE HE IS OK AND CAN STICK AROUND.

4. Having hair that looks like a peacock.
It looks stupid, for a start, and just because your hot hair stylist tells you it’s sexy doesn’t mean she wants to bang you after it’s done, it means she wants to charge you more than a #1 with the clippers. Fucking idiot, shave it off or get a mohawk with razorblades, but faux-hawks are only cool on David Beckham because he already knows he can fuck every woman in the universe. You can’t so stop having a faggot haircut.

5. The pointy dance.
The worst dance on EARTH is that fucking dance that guys do turning their body from left to right while pointing to their shoes. I am renaming it to “The Faggot Dance”. Fuck you if you dance like that, I hope you fall out of a plane and land in Somalia.

6. Coordinate with your mates.
You can SET COORDINATES with your mates, then drive there, but you cannot COLOUR COORDINATE with them. I’ve seriously seen this, at music festivals ALL the time.

7. Cry
Besides a) when your baby is born, or b) if prohibition is ever re-indtroduced.

8. Not have AC/DC on your iPod.
Even if you don’t like their music it is MANDATORY that you carry AC/DC on your iPod at ALL TIMES. This is compulsory behaviour and is in the Bible.

9. Being 6′ 5″ and fighting fit is no excuse to slap a man’s bum.
I’m looking at you, AFL players. Just because you’re a big bastard does not exlemplify you from being a neo-faggot. What the HELL is with the bum tapping business? It’s already bad enough that you don’t play a real man’s game like Rugby OH YES I FUCKING DID.

10. Bike pants.
I’m going to leave you nut out this one yourself. It’s not rocket science.

Facebook, love it or hate it, has become one of the most powerful social networking devices of our time. You don’t need to remember your friend’s birthdays, you just watch out for all the Hapie Birfdai wall posts and follow the flock (pretending you knew all along). Hi Mum xxx. You can catch up with the goss on people, find out where mates are, stalk your ex, even connect with your REAL friends.

But here’s a few things that make you look like a prime cut of fuckwit steak, so try to not do the following things on Facebook:

1. Start tribute fanpages for dead people.
Yeah this first one isn’t funny, why would you start a tribute fanpage on Facebook for a young person that has died in tragic circumstances? That’s like having their funeral at a nightclub full of drunks. What the hell were you expecting? The internet to stop what it’s doing and feel sorry for you?

The internet is not a reflection of the face people put on in the real world, it is the reflection of the rawness of the personality usually filtered by the part of the brain that avoids you getting punched in the face in a face to face situation. Perceived anonymity not only makes people braver than normal, it exposes how fucked up humans really can be. Don’t put anything that deserves complete and utter respect and reverence on Facebook and expect it to be. It simply will not.

2. Be a racist kitten squeezer.
If you have more than 3 friends on Facebook and join those “Fuck off we’re full” groups, chances are your 3+ friends aren’t all as stupidly narrow minded and downright socially retarded as you are. There’s even more chance that atleast one of them comes from a background different to yours. Even more chance that you regularly eat the food of the people you are being racist towards and are nice to their faces.

Come on, we’re all adults here, how many people with Southern Cross tattoos and FOWF stickers on their Holden Ute eat meat pies, dim sims, pizza, tacos and kebabs? I’ll tell you, every single one of them. Also, racist jerks, whoever you are complaining about taking “our jobs” does a job you wouldn’t do anyway, or are not qualified to do. So shut the fuck up.

3. Over-share your life with status updates.
You know the ones, “Fred Johnson IS SICK OF THIS SHIT, FUCK YOU JENNY, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAD ANAL SEX WITH GEORGE. I LOVED YOU, I EVEN DID THAT THING YOU LIKE WHERE I WEAR THE CLOWN NOSE ON MY PENIS”.

Yeah, don’t.

4. Woe is me status.
No one gives a shit about your ailments. You sound like a wet rag that can’t handle life. “So Andso is sick of this sprained ankle”, “Bitch Tits is not feeling good, time to up the dosage”, “Whinge fucken whinge”, shut up. What are you looking for? Sympathybook? An iBandage? An eHug? Fucking sooks.

5. Farm animals.
There’s already enough horse shit on Facebook. Agriculture and computer technology don’t mix. YOU CAN’T FEED SHEEP INTERNETS, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS VITAMIN TCP/IP ENRICHED CHICKEN FEED. YOU HAVE TO USE REAL HAY AND THERE’S NO WHERE TO PUT IT HERE. So stop trying to farm animals on Facebook, it’s cruel and probably illegal to turn animals into zeros and ones then make them live in Facebook.

6. Invite people to anything important.
If you send me an invite to your wedding on Facebook, I hope a rabid dog bites you on the balls. Fuck you.

7. Spam people not in your group.
Groups are for people who are interested in something you want to plug. Nightclub parties, whatever. So start a group up, watch the people who are interested roll in, and send them messages about upcoming events. Don’t send me personal messages about some boring event with DJ Blah playing deep funky sexy house step. I fucking hate your music and techno music isn’t sexy.

8. Become a fan of sex.
You’re not special. The human race is upwards of 6 billion because of sex, not because of a Facebook slut page. Of course you like sex, we’re designed to. Stop being a floozy.

9. Announce “inside” Facebook information.
Facebook has a blog for this, we don’t need your “expert opinion”. Stop joining “I WILL NOT PAY TO USE FACEBOOK. I NEED 1 MILLION PEOPLE TO JOIN ME” groups. Facebook subsides with joint partnerships and advertising schedules that generate millions of dollars. They don’t need your fucking money, idiot. Use your brain for just a tiny bit for god’s sake before clicking on things. Why are you being stupid? Stop it.

10. Continually post photos of how sexy you are.
Because you’re not.

No, they aren’t. Who made me the expert? Your mum. Now I’ve been given some relief over the last year or so during the well-deserved demise of the Fauxhawk of which I hold particular contempt, but suddenly it’s been replaced with bangs and “guyliner”. Yeah, you heard me, Google it, GUYLINER! What’s next? Foundashman? LipsDick? Manscara?

I’m standing next to a guy on the train to work and he had shoes SO pointy, you could dial his boyfriend’s mobile from his pocket with them, which wouldn’t be possible really because his pants were so tight he may as well been wearing leggings. Who the hell comes up with these “fashions” that desperately-seeking-stevens seem to cling desperately to then stand looking around wondering why everyone else isn’t wearing all this rubbish?

Seriously guys, unless you’re gay WHICH IS OK (jesus, that sounded like a tagline) then why would you want to look like a woman, a peacock or a limpcock? What’s a woman? What’s a peacock? What’s a limpcock?

Let me show you:

Woman

Woman

Woman

Peacock

Peackock

Peacock

Peacock

Peacock

Limpcock

Limpcock

Limpcock

Limpcock

Limpcock

I’m not really that mad and don’t like to hate but some guys I see out think they’re god’s gift to women when, really, they’re more like a women’s giftpack. There’s a difference. You buy a woman’s giftpack for women, those creams and scented candles and pretty soaps AREN”T FOR YOU. You aren’t supposed to smell, dress or look like a woman if you want one, so stop acting so smug, spend less on your socks, don’t listen to hairstylists, listen to barbers or better yet, shave it your fucking self. And that DOESN’T mean with a “trimmer”.

Come on guys, you can look sharp, smell good and wear nice clothes but leave out the bangs and the eyeliner, you’ll end up with an artist or a yoga instructor for a missus. Hang on…

Things happen a lot, some make your life change,
but some of these things that happen just make it go strange,
When something you want is inaccessible,
the things in my mind become incompressible,

We all have problems, some of them are deep,
some come quick, some slowly creep,
many times I think the problems of the world can be cured,
but how can I do this before my own life is secured?

There is a light that I need to switch on inside
the darkness is getting hard, and I still can’t hide,
people tell me to wait, it goes in and out, the tide
People don’t know me, Lord knows, I’ve tried

How many of me does it take to screw in a light?
the sad truth, just me, and it’s a hell of a fight
I need to find my quan, I need it for myself

but one can never do this when one’s at war with himself.

One for the money, two for the show
three to get ready in shit creek, and four to row
pass me the paddle, and I know it’s gonna suck
but I got the paddle now, and I’m gonna row like fuck.