Geoff Shaw is the current Member for Frankston in Victoria’s Liberal State Government under Premier Ted Baillieu. He recently replied to an email from a concerned citizen regarding gay rights, so I felt a need to email him to ask a few questions…

Subject: Gay Rights and Acknowledging Aboriginal People as original custodians of our country.

Hello Geoffrey,

I have a few questions for you and I would like you to answer them as accurately as you can, and using correct grammar and spelling.

  1. Are you a time traveller from the Byzantine era, Higher Middle Ages or the Spanish Tribunal del Santo Oficio de la Inquisicion?
    If this is the case, as you are a university graduate, I thought it prudent to update you on modern era human advancement. Firstly, the world is no longer dictated by idiots who claim to represent a god. These days, we have an understanding that the human condition and it’s great diversity entitles all humans to basic rights of freedom which includes sexuality, expression, speech and the most absurd of human beliefs but still the right to believe in it: Religion.
  2. Do you have a learning disability?
    There are two reasons I ask. The first is that Australia unfortunately has not had a government yet that feels mental health has much priority to, say, chasing witches around in Afghanistan and Iraq. This means you may have a hard time finding the help you need. The second reason I ask is that it just appears obvious that you missed the point of Acknowledgement Of Country. It appears you have imposed your imaginary god onto parliament and acknowledged him as custodian of the land you inhabit, rather then the actual real, tangible and rightful owners of this beautiful country you have been allowed to live in, apparently in ignorant bliss.
  3. Have you been to jail recently?
    Most Australians don’t need to go to jail to know the blatantly obvious, but it appears because of your disability that it may be essential. This will help you find that gay people are not sentenced to prison as what they do in their own time and with whom does not hurt or affect the public the way a speeding driver or sexual predator does.
  4. Do you speak English and if so, have you read “books”?
    I also noted you mentioned murder in your reply to the young gay gentleman’s email. Murder has not been committed en masse by the gay community as far as I’m aware, I have been wrong in the past and they do seem to get upset when blues and greens are mixed in one outfit, but I’ve not seen evidence so far. The only groups of people who have willingly murdered thousands upon thousands of people that I can think of right now are the Australian Government and the Catholic Church. Unusually, you are a committed member of both. Ironic?

If you could reply as soon as possible as I intend to publish your “arguments” to each point on my blog so I may lampoon your ignorance further.

Kindest Regards,



I'm fucking watching you, Terrorist. I can see your flying bomb and I know what you're upto.

Don’t play coy with me, Terrorists. I’m onto you. Our governments have told us all about you. What’s with the ninja masks? You can’t even do a roundhouse kick YOU DON’T EVEN OWN A PAIR OF NUMCHUCKERS. I have another thing to tell you as well, Terrorists: YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL MUSLIMS. Why? Real Muslims don’t blow themselves up or kill people. Just because you read the Koran and yell “Allah!” all fucking day doesn’t mean you’re a Muslim. Guess what? Islam hates you.

I’ve been watching you for a while, Terrorists, and YOU KNOW WHAT? I know you are just blowing yourselves up to be mean. You’re like the mean kid at school who just LIKES being mean to other kids. You have NO VERIFIABLE REASON to blow up infront of people, you just have a fucking mean streak and I hate you. Were you not taught by your mother that BLOWING YOURSELF UP AT PEOPLE IS VERY RUDE?

I don’t give a fat fuck what kind of extremist idiot you are, what rabid, dusty and shrapnel cobbled country you fight for or how many guns you have. I just need you to pay very close attention to the next two sentences:

1. Nobody fucking cares who or what you think you’re dying for.

2. Killing yourself and others shows that you lack the basic cognitive tools that even a lobotomized infant orangutan could possess during a heavy LSD binge.

Now let’s talk about your “cause”. What the fuck is it? Do you even know? Because none of us do and we’re trying to figure out what your problem is. Do you realise that the Western World you despise so much, have no idea why you blow yourselves up all the time? Yes, that’s right, nobody has any idea why you kill yourselves for what ever dinky little cause you have. You blow yourselves up for nothing. When our media reports a suicide bombing on the TV (it’s a plastic box that we can see moving pictures on) they just talk about how you blew up, and blew some other people up that knew nothing about your cause either. Nobody EVER talks about the reasons you did it, we just talk about how stupid you are for dying in the face of ignorant bliss. You’re like the tree that fell in the forest while no-one was there. You’re like when I throw a cigarette up in the air and catch it in my mouth but no one is around to see my accomplishment, except you don’t accomplish anything and smoking has a better kill-rate.

Have you ever thought of hiring a PR guy? I mean, and lets be honest here, you’re shit at PR. No one likes you. The fact you’re killing yourselves in the name of apparently nothing tells me you’re passionate about something and it must be pretty cool if you’re willing to die for it, so how are you going to get your point across? The blowing up thing isn’t working, and you won’t gain any power by riding camels, swinging an AK47 (the ’47’ stands for ‘1947’ dude, that’s older than your camel) and yelling “ayayayayayaaah”. So it’s time to start looking for a better angle.

Have you thought about doing something good? Can you imagine that? “Welcome to Nine News… Tonight: The Taliban send 1000 boxes of Cadbury Favourites and a shipment of teddy bears to Haiti to raise the spirits of a disaster effected people.” EVERY SINGLE Aussie, Kiwi, Canuk, Pom and Yank watching TV will spit their dinner all over the screen in shock, drop the remote and google “awesome terrorist dudes” just to see what you are about. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE TRANSMITTED.

Is this making sense to you? Put the goat down and listen, this is important.

You also need to realize that waving the Bible, Koran or whatever book you follow around doesn’t justify your actions. It not only makes you look stupid, it makes anyone who follows that book properly look stupid too. The problem is that not everyone who watches our TVs are smart, so they think EVERYONE who follows the religion you follow is as retarded as you, which fortunately is not the case. So knock it off, Terrorists, you’re not helping anyone.

Admittedly I’ve not heard any of his songs so he may very well have lyrics such as “Hey you, yeah the dude with the hair; We got one thing in common, both gave your mom a 3rd degree tear” or something that would make me want to kill him. But if he doesn’t, why so much hate?

I personally can’t understand the pure unadulterated hate the poor kid receives. I mean, he looks like most teenagers which is enough to hate him right there, but I would have thought we’re above that by now. He certainly whinges less than your average teen, and I’ve never found him blocking my way while assaulting my nostrils with unwashed juvenile waft in front of the city McDonalds before, either.

So I’m going to hazard a guess why so many people hate the poor kid.

1. Water Bottles & Eggs Don’t Phase Him
Let’s be honest, he looks like he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. I mean, I would be more scared of a grumpy private school girl wielding a tennis racquet. But the dude is almost bullet proof. Almost all of the news stories I see of him are “Someone threw *insert missile* at Justin Bieber’s head at a concert.” I mean, why would you pay to go and see him and then… OK fair enough but do you realise how many pubescent women are surrounding you? That’s like walking into a tribe of pregnant women and yelling “I hate babies”. You will be DESTROYED.

Also, to the dickhead in Sydney who broke into, and threw eggs at the Justin Bieber concert:
a) You missed, bitch.
b) You will never see a National News story on anyone throwing anything at you. I know who I would rather be.
c) I guarantee there was lots of things thrown at him that day, and only yours were eggs. At least, only yours were chicken eggs.

2. He Gets More Pussy Than You
Yep. And you know it. He doesn’t even know what to do with it yet, forget that, the pussy getting thrown doesn’t even know why it’s being thrown yet. He’s that good. When you got your first pussy, I bet it was the culmination of years worth of research and hard work. Not Bieber, that shit’s home delivered. Straight ballin’.

3. He Has More Billboard Top Ten Songs Than You
Now Billboard Charts is where you know you’ve made it. It’s when you know you’re selling millions and more importantly, making millions. The Billboard patronage is made up of grown men in Singapore, middle-american families and teenage girls throughout the world. Where I’m from in Perth, the  market is sustained by 18 – 28 year old men who hang out at Subiaco nightclubs, play AFL and sport whatever haircut teenage Japanese kids did two years prior.

But my point is, although these people are the concentration of the most annoying bipedal glitter fluff on the planet, they are the majority of the ones who spend money on these flakey, easily digestible ditties that keep Sunrise, 7PM Project and Sports Tonight with Cut-To-Ad music, and Justin Bieber with a luxury car collection he can’t even drive yet.

4. He Keeps Dickheads Out Of Good Nightclubs
If it wasn’t for Justin Bieber music, club nights playing Drum & Bass, Dubstep, Tech, Breaks and pretty much any other music that isn’t gay as fuck would be full of people wearing popped collar pink shirts with a “team number” on the sleeve, peacock faux-hawks and orange girlfriends. Thanks fuck for Bieber, Melbourne and Subiaco.

5. He Has Ticked More Scarface Boxes Than You
“You gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” The little dude has ticked all three, and he head butts water bottles. You can’t fuck with that shit.

1. 5am
4am I hear is kinda cool, I’ve never seen 4am except once when I had to catch a plane to Europe which was really exciting. 6am, that’s coffee and warm shower o’clock. 6am smells like fresh toast, it’s when my girlfriend starts wriggling awake and making little cute squeeky noises.

But 5am? You can fuck RIGHT off, you cold, dark, military-grade chronological fuckbag.

2. Kids in TV ads, singing in vibrato
It’s bad enough listening to Christina Aguilera sing Christmas Carols in what sounds like her sitting on a washing machine with a “Black Brutus” inserted in her whoopsie-doo, let alone watching some tiny kid in a car ad singing out of key with a creepy as fuck tremolo technique that only opera singers should be licensed to perform. You strange, un-natural little wobble aliens, fuck RIGHT off.

3. Foodies
Every now and then, we all eat something that makes us go, mid face stuff, “OM MAH GOB ISS IZ SO GOOB NOMP OMP OMP.” But what is with people on Facebook that need to document every fucking thing they eat like what they eat and where they dine defines their whole existence? “Oh the deggy at Yellow Lotus Stream was divine.” It’s a fucking TASTING PLATE you culinary creep. YOUR LIFE ISN’T A MENU, TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT YOURSELF AND FUCK RIGHT OFF.

4. Mormons
Now I gotta admit, they’re pleasant enough chaps to talk to but… ANCIENT JEWISH PEOPLE DIDN’T WEAR VIKING HATS YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS.

5. Ninja Dogs
So I’m walking to the train station each morning and there’s a dog on the way, that every single morning selfishly takes advantage of my morning sleepwalk for his own fucking amusement. He knows my morning routine intimately, and waits patiently at the corner of his yard on his side of the fence in his smug little ninja suit under the shrub like an evil little fur-covered noise-terrorist. When I reach the EXACT spot parallel to him, not 10cm from his loud heart attack inducing face, the following routine ensues every day at 7:45am…


I don’t need a coffee in the morning. This fucking dog is it. You can fuck RIGHT off, ninja dog.

6. David Koch Talking About Technology
Actually, David Koch talking about anything, GO FUCK YOURSELF, KOCHIE.

7. Exercise Machines That Fold And Store Under Your Bed.

The news of the death of Osama Bin Laden has sparked what can only be perceived as celebration throughout the world, if the images beamed from each television station are anything to go by. But is it something to celebrate?

Personally, I think we need to consider a few things before we start hollering “yeeee-heew”, spitting tabaccy in glee and shooting our guns into the air.

  1. Terrorism in Perspective.
    The first thing to think about is this: what the fuck have we been worried about? The War On Terror is one of the most ridiculous things the allied nations have ever concentrated their efforts and resources on. For a start, the threat of terrorism is so microscopic compared to issues such as road safety that it is completely disproportionate in regards to expenditure versus priority. In fact, over the last 50 years, the amount of American citizens killed in international terrorist incidents has been no more than the amount struck by lightening.There is no denying the massive loss of innocent life caused by Bin Laden in the September 11, 2001 attacks is one of history’s saddest days. But when we compare this to the amount of people who have died in the search for him and the associated War On Terror, it pales in comparison. The US military death toll in Iraq surpassed the 9/11 benchmark in 2005, and this doesn’t even take into account civilian and related conflict casualties. The entire world reaction to the September 11 attacks and associated conflicts has caused a death toll reaching over one hundred thousand. (1)(2)(3)
  2. It’s Not Something To Be Proud Of.
    First off, it took the culmination of the most powerful and advanced countries on Earth ten years to find him. But more importantly it appears people around the world, especially the United States, have confused justice with revenge. Judging by some of the comments made by a handful (and thankfully a minority) of my American friends on Facebook and the scenes of crowds in New York waving American flags and chanting “U.S.A, U.S.A…” it looks more like America won some kind of world sporting event, which as the major world competitive sports such as soccer, cricket and rugby enthusiasts will know, is preposterous.If anything this should be a sombre day to remember the victims of the attacks he orchestrated, and it will hopefully bring some closure to the victim’s families. But it’s not something you should be celebrating, it was never a competition.
  3. It Changes Nothing.
    Terrorism wasn’t invented by Bin Laden, and killing him hasn’t made the world any safer. The fact the Bush administration made him the poster boy of terrorism doesn’t make the guy any more significant as a terrorist threat. The only claim to infamy he has is the scale of innocent non-combatant human life which he killed, and that all depends on how you define terrorism. Which ever way you look at it, it comes right down the list underneath the Holocaust and other mass human destruction such as, say, dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima.
  4. We Probably Just Made Things Worse.
    If our faux-Islamic crusader friends at Al Qaeda didn’t have much to be shitty about before, they sure as hell do now. The Australian Government is now advising everyone not to travel, and if they are already are overseas, to stay indoors due to an enhanced violence risk toward Westerners. To be completely honest, I felt safer while Osama was alive.(4)
  5. Invasion of Iraq, What The Fuck.
    The War On Terror has helped cement the Western World as aggressors to many nations, none more so than the invasion of Iraq in our search for “Weapons of Mass Destruction”, the witch of the 21st Century. For a country that had absolutely no ties to Osama Bin Laden or Al Qaeda, we certainly pissed it off enough that it now does. And don’t even get me started on the amount of ancient history that has been destroyed because of it.(3)
  6. We Have Much Bigger Things To Worry About.
    While the Western World has been measuring our dick size in Afghanistan and Iraq against the Islamic World’s equivalent of Westboro Baptist Church, almost 4 million people have died in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The war in the Congo is the most deadliest conflict since World War II and no-one has done a thing, in fact as of 2011, the UN have completely pulled out of the conflict zone, leaving the entire population in the hands of rebel infested anarchy. This to me says to all that the hunt for Bin Laden had nothing to do with making the world safer and everything to do with greed, revenge and dick size.(5)(6)
  7. We Have Learned Nothing.
    After all the people that have died, we seem to have forgotten that Osama Bin Laden was trying to bring something to our attention. Our attention he sure got, but (most probably due to the hideously dim-witted way he went about it) we didn’t get the message. Most of Bin Laden’s reasoning behind the attacks he directed are his own skewed interpretations of, and contrary to, Islamic beliefs.But much of what our governments like to tell us, such as the hatred of western culture, is simply not the case and is more just to divert our attention from the fact that it is mostly our foreign policies that are the motivation for extremist activities. The western world’s stance and policies concerning the Israeli–Palestinian conflict is also a common theme, and of all the things Bin Laden got wrong, he may possibly have been right about this. But that’s a whole new ball game.(7)

Works Cited

1. Six Rather Unusual Propositions about Terrorism. Muellera, John. 2005, Terrorism and Political Violence, pp. 487 – 505.

2. U.S. deaths in Iraq, war on terror surpass 9/11 toll. [Online] CNN, September 3rd, 2006. [Cited: May 2, 2011.]

3. Scahill, Jeremy. Jeremy Scahill on Killing of Bin Laden: Obama Has “Doubled Down on Bush Administration Policy of Targeted Assassination”. Democracy Now! New York :, May 2nd, 2011.

4. Enhanced Risk of Anti-Western Violence. Smartraveller. [Online] Australian Government’s travel advisory and consular information service., May 2nd, 2011. [Cited: 5 2, 2011.]

5. Robinson, Simon. The Deadliest War in The World. [Online] Time Magazine, May 28th, 2006. [Cited: May 2nd, 2011.],9171,1198921,00.html.

6. Kemp, Ross.
Ross Kemp’s Extreme World – Congo. Democratic Republic of the Congo : Sky1, 2010. Video Documentary.

7. Understanding Terrorism: 20 basic facts. Borgu, Aldo. 2004, Strategic Insights, pp. 1 – 10.

1. Your profile. BAM!

2. cryptic Status Updates That Look For Attention
“OMG Whoos callin u dude?”
“They know who they are, I’m not going to say anything”


3. See Who Your Biggest Stalker Is apps.
Firstly, none of these things work. Facebook isn’t a list of information that can be manipulated into any combination of teenage neo-faggot apps that deliver the news that the hottest chick in your Facebook Friends list has been secretly checking out your ugly ass photos taken from your mobile phone in your bathroom. It’s Not. Gunna. Happen.

If you think you have no chance on god’s earth with someone, thennnnn ya don’t. OK?

Secondly, if you’re a chick and you have heaps of photos of you flouncing about in undies/nude/duck face poses in your bathroom then you don’t don’t need an app to tell you who’s stalking you, you just need me: EVERY FUCKING DUDE IN YOUR FRIEND LIST. THEY ARE CHECKING OUT YOUR FINE ASS AND BANGING TITTIES. Don’t like it? TAKE DOWN THE SLUT PICS THEN.

4. Serial Likers and Serial Pokers.
Scotty AssassinMc thinks everything is shit and fuck everyone
Puppy Fart *likes this*

5. Saliva Dripping Sleeze Balls That Add Hot Chicks They Don’t Know.
Almost every one of my female mates are drop dead gorgeous. Some of them so much that they are models, which means they put up a lot of their modelling pics. Good for them, I reckon. But then each of the photos they post comes this under it, from people you have never seen or heard of before:

Tom Dickenharry: Helloooo!
Harry Muffdiver: Woah girl! SO HOT lol
Barry Dumbcunt: Man if I was only 50 years younger lol!
John Isreallysmall: Sexy sexy sexy. Wish u wer on my beach! LOL
Random Fuckwit: Hey are those metal earrings? I love metal! We shud cach up and talk metal (meaning I want to rape your ass)


Rule 1: Chicks don’t choose a suitor from Facebook Comments, nor does it turn them on
Rule 2: Chicks like to have sex with a) People they know, and b) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T OLD FAT SLEEZY GREASEBALLS

So look, take your hand off it, do some laps of a pool or find thrity by anything but walking to KFC, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, get a personality and go out and talk to ACTUAL REAL WOMEN. You might get laid if you’re lucky.

1. You don’t have to listen to lame, pseudo intelligent, meaningless artwank lyrics.
Fuck yeah, I think I just coined the term “artwank”.

You guys know exactly what I mean too, don’t you. I love music like I love eating food, I don’t give a flying fuck about how it’s presented. It’s the act of absorbing it that feels so good.

I’m sick and tired of bands that concentrate on making songs with pretentious, sooky lyrics trying to come across deep and important. I don’t give a fuck about your inner anguish or interpretation of heroin addiction. I want to nod my head like it’s a bobble head on a Hummers dashboard in Afganistan. By the way, the next person I hear describing a band, or any art for that matter, as “important” I will swiftly reply to with Deadly Face Fist of Judah. Road safety and good nutrition is important, bands are not fucking important.

Rammstein have solved this problem with extreme ingenuity; they sing in German so I have no fucking clue what they’re on about anyway. Even if you are German, you still don’t understand them because Till Lindemann just sounds like a grizzly bear eating a chainsaw and you’re too busy putting the flames out on your girlfriend’s face because you were too close to the stage.

2. Your band doesn’t shoot flames out of their face and deploy fireworks at the crowd.
Like I need to expand on this. Flames. Out of their faces. Can your band do this?


3. Best name, ever.
I can’t think of anything that is better than having the words “stein” and “ram” in your name. Are they named after the act of forcibly cramming a huge mug of beer down your throat? Probably not, but who cares! I like to think they are. Even saying it makes me happy. LDLDLDLDLDLAAAHM SHTEEEEYYYN.

4. They can be ironic without trying to be.
Arty faggots love irony. It’s the unoriginal artist’s emergency imagination. The only time irony is cool in any artform and especially music, is when it’s not forced. What the fuck am I on about?

Stay with me.

I watched Rammstein live the other night. They came on stage for an hour, and in that hour they managed to shoot flames out of every place possible including their face, play drums using explosions, wheel a huge cauldron on stage wearing a chefs hat and apron smeared in blood then shot flames at it, shoot pyrotechnics at the crowd, then at themselves, induce nightmares in the mind of every sleeping child within a 50 kilometre radius, appease Satan, ride a giant penis around the stage shooting paper jizz all over the crowd…

and then bowed ever so politely to the crowd and in a nice little voice said “Danke shoen” then left.

That ass fucked my mind.

5. Pure, unadulterated entertainment.
Rammstein don’t just punch out their best tunes with amazing fidelity, you can feel the heat from the flame throwers, you can see the firworks and stage antics, you can smell burning fuel, and when a cloud of confetti begins to float toward the ground after being shot off stage… you can reach out and touch it. It is truly an immersion of the senses.

Tool came on stage directly after Rammstein finished and immediately disappointed me. Now, Tool and disappointment are not two things that often go together. I love Tool, as do millions upon millions of people across the globe. But what they did, I can experience by putting my iPod in my ears. In better quality sound, too.

Tool, like many other bands, go on stage and just sing their songs and then leave. You quickly get over the wow factor that your favourite band is right there in front of you, then it’s time to add more to your senses what the album you just bought already has. Many like to defend this behaviour, especially Tool, with “it’s all about the music, not the band.”

This is a cop out. Let me fucking tell you something.

It’s not about either, it’s about the fans. The people who buy your albums, who pay over-inflated ticket prices to see you live, who supply you with a huge income and opportunity to live out your dream lifestyle making and sharing music with others. We bought your fucking album and know what it sounds like, and now we’ve paid 10 times the price to come see you live. Make with the witty stories, theatrics and fireworks you fucking smug human dukebox because you’re being left behind by people who can’t even speak English.

6. Your band doesn’t shoot flames out of their face and deploy fireworks at the crowd.

7. Rammstein teaches bogans culture and how to speak German.
Now we all know how stupid bogans are. They are the people who have just discovered Facebook and change their status each day to something about fighting someone, people who think Kirk Cobain was a hero for blowing his head apart with a shot gun because he was a drug riddled emo, people who wear clothing that advertises cars like Ford, Holden and other cars that can’t turn a corner doing more than 30km/h.

People who think bourbon tastes good.

Rammstein has the benefit of appealing to bogans due to the lead singer’s voice sounding like a Tyrannosaurus Rex fucking a Harley Davidson. Thankfully, it suits the music they do perfectly which means smart people like you and me like it too. Bogans also have a curious need to make meaning out of every song’s lyrics  so they can make learned conversation over dinner at the pub. To do this with Rammstein means to sit for hours on Google Translate, systematically going through each line of each song and then deciphering it into something that makes sense. Here’s the funny bit though, hardly any of it does. Sucked in, bogans.

8. Federal Department for Media Harmful to Young Persons has banned their latest album.
In Germany you can show porn to kids, they allow women to grow hair anywhere on the body below their neck,  you can buy a beer in Mc Donalds, but Rammstein’s album is banned. This is fucking hardcore.

Other things that are dangerous to children include nuclear testing, knife fighting, heroin injections and pools filled with razorblades.

But your favourite band is probably on my grandmother’s iPod.

9. The guitarist’s name is Paul Landers.
His last name is really fucking Landers. That’s so fucking rockstar that it makes Freddie Mercury look gay, and Freddie Mercury IS gay.

10. This.