Why England Should Ban The Burqa

This is going to be hard as I am attempting to enter this argument without the benefit of half a pint in my hand, a piece of hay in my mouth or sufficiently developed cerebral atrophy, but I’ll try.

Argument 1: English are actually German and we all know what Germans do when you’re not Christian.
No, really. English are the spawn of Germans. Yeah, awesome isn’t it? Now British people, that’s different. Anyone in Cardiff will tell you what being British means, and who the Britons are, because they’re Welsh. But try and tell some English yob from Wessex that his proud heritage includes a sauerkraut munching refugee living on the leftover scraps of a bored Roman Empire.

You think it’s rubbish? OK, look this up, here’s the English, German and Welsh language family trees from present to past:

• English, German > Germanic > Balto-Slavo-Germanic > East Indo-European Dialect Stem
• Welsh > Celtic > Celto-Ligurian > Celto-Italic – West Indo-European Dialect Stem

So really, from historical data such as mass murdering and religious intolerance, the English have it in their blood to be this stupid, they are the blood relatives of Barbarians, Vikings and Nazis. True story.

Argument 2: You can’t drink lager through a garment.
Well you can, only if there’s bugs in your pint though, and that only happens when you’re in the colonies drinking with the convicts. Other than that, there’s no good reason to block your lager hole with a silly face curtin. Why do you think ninja masks are illegal? Can’t drink beer through them.

Argument 3: You can’t get burqas in your Football team’s colours.
Burqas are black, it’s a scientific fact. It’s also a scientific fact that yellow is a girly colour and also the official colour of Torquay United who are well known as terrorist supporters and communists. Do you see a link here? That’s because there isn’t one as what I just wrote was ignorant, illogical, presumptive and ridiculous. Do you see a link now?

Argument 4: You can’t ban Muslims.
You can’t ban Muslims because they make curry, chinese food and kebabs which are the staple diet of Anglo-Saxons during their daily routine of watching football and drinking lager. Without these things it would reduce the output of Football teams thus allowing the rest of the world to notice that Spain and South America actually produce the best Soccer players. Oh, and before someone corrects me, SOCCER IS AN ENGLISH TERM FOR FOOTBALL. It appeared in a 19th Century Oxford Dictionary as a common abbreviated slang term for Association Football.

But I digress, banning Muslims will cause all sorts of problems for the Anglo-Saxon Soccer industry, so repressing the more undesirable aspects of their culture such as burqas and roadside bombs, will make England a better place.

Argument 5: No-one will notice anyway, because Australians are worse.
When it comes to being intolerant of culture, religion, or anything else not named after or rhyming with “Bruce”, the convicts have it nailed. They have missionaries throughout the world such as Mel Gibson in the US and Pauline Hanson in Anglo Land spreading the word of hate with ruthless efficiency. Come to think of it, we haven’t heard from Pauline since she moved to London, and suddenly they want to ban… holy crap, no way?

Argument 6: You can’t tell which ones are ginger underneath a burqa.
Have you ever been at a club under those purple lights and talking to a blonde chick, only to step outside with her to hail a cab back to your place to watch soccer and discover she is actually a ginger? We’ve all been there and it’s not an uncommon scenario. Your mates see you with a ginger and instantly assume you love the Irish and possibly communists. It’s not worth the risk. Burqas have the same masking effect as those purple lights, they impede your ability to distinguish gingers from mortals which can end in disaster.

So you see, these are only a few ideas that clearly show how unacceptable burqas are in our society and, if we let it continue, the phenomenon could be a gateway culture to other evils like gayness, stamp collecting and witchcraft. If we allowed laws and standards to relax, crime would again be rife and we have no more desert islands to send convicts as Australia is full and Tasmania is already populated by a single family. I can’t believe I wrote all this without insulting the French.

A typical burqa. This Muslim woman is wearing the most common form of burqa. It shows how degrading it can be to women by covering her face.