10 Things That Make You A Neo-faggot

Guys are getting soft, I mean really soft. I’m going to say some things to those of you who have gone soft, you may not like it, but this is tough love.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO THE GAY COMMUNITY: You guys are cool, but I am claiming back the word “faggot” and re-assigning it to heterosexual males that act like princesses, it’s called a neo-faggot. You guys don’t like the word anyway and don’t deserve it, so I’m taking it. If you are homosexual, you have every right and reason to jump around like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road, but hetero males should either come out or act like a hetero. Furthermore, people who are ACTUALLY GAY are MORE MANLY than hetero guys that flounce about like pork-chops wearing Spinners underwear and salmon shirts anyway, this includes drag queens. Finally, I am giving the gay community full rights to use my new word-assignment toward hetero faggots when ever they please.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO HETEROSEXUAL MEN: If you do any of the below then you are a neo-faggot. All men are egos wrapped in penis tissue then loaded with sperm and set to “auto-target”. EVERYTHING men do is somehow related to getting a root. Thing is, some men just get it without trying, you see: Women are geared to have children, they are genetically wired to be attracted to strong, safe, mentally and emotionally stable partners. This means although they aren’t attracted to complete slobs, they still like a little rougness around the edges. They want a hunter, and if YOU were alive in caveman days, you would have gathered berrys. NO woman likes someone who is a bigger princess than they are, they want to fuck someone that doesn’t shave his legs or use up all of her Schwarzkopf Professional Color Management System.

1. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, POUT IN A PHOTO
I have seen this a lot lately, guys that pout in a fucking photo. No, really, YOU’RE NOT IN A PLAYBOY SHOOT, AND IF YOU WERE, THAT WOULD MEAN YOU HAVE A VAGINA. STOP PRETENDING YOU HAVE A VAGINA. FAGGOT.

2. Popped collars.
You have only ONE reason to do this, if you are in the middle of the desert on a top secret mission looking for Al Queida missle locations on a 47 degree day. THERE ARE NO TERRORISTS IN SUBIACO OR LEEDERVILLE, EXCEPT YOU TERRORISING THE FASHION COMMUNITY. STOP IT, IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR NECK HAS LABIA.

3. Asking your mates out for coffee.
NO. This is not how it is done, fellas. When you want to see your mates and hang out, YOU OFFER THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHAR GRILL DEAD ANIMALS WHILE DRINKING BEER. And NEVER under ANY circumstance refer to the TYPE or BRAND of beer, IT’S JUST CALLED BEER. Also, if you have serious aspirations of becoming a real man, you need a boobies BBQ apron but DO NOT WEAR IT. Give it to your best mate to wear and assure him he is a big girl. HURT HIS FEELINGS, THAT’S HOW TO SHOW YOUR MATE HE IS OK AND CAN STICK AROUND.

4. Having hair that looks like a peacock.
It looks stupid, for a start, and just because your hot hair stylist tells you it’s sexy doesn’t mean she wants to bang you after it’s done, it means she wants to charge you more than a #1 with the clippers. Fucking idiot, shave it off or get a mohawk with razorblades, but faux-hawks are only cool on David Beckham because he already knows he can fuck every woman in the universe. You can’t so stop having a faggot haircut.

5. The pointy dance.
The worst dance on EARTH is that fucking dance that guys do turning their body from left to right while pointing to their shoes. I am renaming it to “The Faggot Dance”. Fuck you if you dance like that, I hope you fall out of a plane and land in Somalia.

6. Coordinate with your mates.
You can SET COORDINATES with your mates, then drive there, but you cannot COLOUR COORDINATE with them. I’ve seriously seen this, at music festivals ALL the time.

7. Cry
Besides a) when your baby is born, or b) if prohibition is ever re-indtroduced.

8. Not have AC/DC on your iPod.
Even if you don’t like their music it is MANDATORY that you carry AC/DC on your iPod at ALL TIMES. This is compulsory behaviour and is in the Bible.

9. Being 6′ 5″ and fighting fit is no excuse to slap a man’s bum.
I’m looking at you, AFL players. Just because you’re a big bastard does not exlemplify you from being a neo-faggot. What the HELL is with the bum tapping business? It’s already bad enough that you don’t play a real man’s game like Rugby OH YES I FUCKING DID.

10. Bike pants.
I’m going to leave you nut out this one yourself. It’s not rocket science.